In the Middle of the night, when everyone is asleep and here i am thinking whether to sleep or not.
This is too hard when you want to sleep but you just cant. Why do I have to feel like this?
Then I remember the day when someone ask me...
"Have you ever tried to kill yourself?"
Shock is invented in my face, but i let my guard down. I dont want her to see any reactions coming from me, i cant seem to move when she ask me that. It is to cold to comprehend even if its hot as fuck. I hold the hem of my shirt like i usually do when i am in trouble. As i stare at her, the sweat in my forehead down to my face seems so cold and I wish that from this moment that i can run as fast as I can.
But still... i answered..
"Yes, a lot of times"
And now shock is written all over her face but suddenly change into a pity one. No... i dont want you to look at me like that, please...not you.
She asked "But, why?" Her voice is broke the moment she open her mouth. And its more fcking painful rather than trying to harm yourself.
From this moment i know, i hurt her.
I am about to speak but suddenly shut my mouth. I dont know how i will form this words, i suddenly dont know how to speak. I dont know how will i make this words that will not hurt her.
"Its just that...." I stare at her for a while. Shes hurting.. i am sorry..
"I am sorry..." words that only I can say. "Please tell me.." she said.
"I tried to kill myself, a lot of times.. yes. Because i really dont know what to do. The moment i am alone, is the moment i am having this kind of shit.." she stare at me like i am the most fragile thing she had, but still she listened.
"Yes, i am smiling. And because of that nobody knows that i am hurting. Nobody wants to hear me out, nobody ask "are you okay?". They want me to open up, but really nobody cares." I added. I am about to cry, but trying my best to supress it. I dont want her to see me in this kind of state. So instead I smile while saying those words.
"I just wanted to take the pain away"
"But.. i am here" she said.
And the smile turns into a glowing one. A true smile... smile that now reach my eyes.
"I know. Thats why i stop" she gasp when i said it.
"I stop the moment i met you... i stop cause finally, i found you.." she cried her heart out when i said those words.
"Thank you,for coming into my life. You dont know how much you gave meaning to it." I hold her hands and wipe away her tears. She smile.
"Please dont ever tried to kill your self again.. please" i nod as an answer, and smile at her. The smile that i couldnt imagine that i will make.
"I love you. And I promise that I will not do that again... just please, stay with me" i look at her with love and passion as I said those words. I really dont know what to do if I lose this girl.
"I love you too, my bestfriend" I smile as I hear what she calls me and after that I hear a heart breaking into pieces.
