I doubt you're going to read this. And if you do, you're not going to have some magical reaction to it. I'm making this because I need a way to tell you everything I want to tell you without actually saying it directly to you because you scare the shit out of me. And the things that I want to tell you scare the shit out of me. And the way I can't deal with my own thoughts and feelings scares the shit out of me. I just need a release. A way to let everything out. So I don't have to keep it in anymore just to myself and let it bother me all day and night every day and night. It makes me hate myself. And it makes me hate you. And it makes me hate myself for thinking I could ever even actually hate you because I know that no matter what I will never hate you at all. I will never even dislike you. I can't say these things directly to you because I'm afraid of what you'll think or say or feel. I don't want to hurt you anymore. But it seems that I love hurting myself because that's all I ever do. I tell myself I hate myself on a daily basis. Out loud. Because I'm so fucking stupid. And so fucking screwed. You're never going to want me the way I want you, again. You're never going to crave me like I crave you. I really, deeply crave you. You'll never crave me. You hate me. You're tired of me. You don't want me. You don't love me, but sometimes I pretend you do. At night before I go to bed I think about you. And all of these things that I would love to say but hate to be there when I say it. I'm obsessed with you, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd do anything for you. I want you. I miss you. I love you.
I hate myself and I hate her.
