He's all I've ever wanted. No, he is not perfect. But who is? He understands me. He treats me well. He accepts me for who I am and doesn't judge me for what I have done. It's like I need him to breathe. He's toxic. He's a drug. The only problem, though, is that he only thinks of me as a friend. I'm trying as hard as I can, but being friends with him hurts.
Seeing pictures of him and his girlfriend together tears me up inside. It's like someone ripped out my heart, put it in the shredder, gathered all the pieces, and threw it in the dumpster. I've tried ignoring him and not thinking about him, but it never works. When I see cute quotes, immediately he pops into my mind. When I get sick or feel sad and want someone to comfort me, I wish I could call him and ask him to come over.
I just want to spend time with him. I need him around me. But I doubt he feels the same. I doubt he thinks about me. I doubt I'm anything to him.
Its been months since they started dating. It's been months of me trying to forget about him and failing, but it feels like an eternity. We talk sometimes though, hence my failed attempts in forgetting him, but I can't help it. It's like my brain stops working and my fingers just text him, but my emotions are still in tact.
I know its a bad idea to as him to hang out, but what do I do? He's already agreed to it. At first I thought it was a good idea, but now I'm not so sure. If my feelings for him are strong without me meeting him, what will happen to my feelings when I do see him person? I've always wanted it to happen. He only lives ten minutes away. So close yet so far. I'm not certain that it's worth getting my hopes up. He'll think of it as helping a friend, but I'll think about it as meeting the boy I love...
But us meeting didn't happen. Maybe it was for the best. Us not talking is for the best. Eventually, maybe the love and the hurt will lessen enough to where we could actually be friends. For now I can't even think about him without immediately getting sad because he isn't mine. The bad part is that I keep looking for him. In our small town, anywhere I go, hoping he might be there. Hoping he sees me and realizes his love for me and smiles. But I know it won't happen. I'm in too deep and he only skims the surface not realizing how much he means to me and how much I love him.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be. This is exactly how God planned it. For me to get my heart broken by the perfect boy and learn how to cope with it, but never have a whole heart again...
