I even sweated a lot even when I had gotten in the shower, and I was so sleep deprived I just ignored the empty numbness in my heart as I was just laughing so much at what they had Said
*As I kept smiling and laughing at my pain, my sister’s called me a freak or saying that I enjoyed pain when I didn’t
After that week & this week I just kept going, I have nothing left in my heart, I feel dead inside, I can’t enjoy the things I like as much
My heart is honestly nothing but an empty husk of what was left of the “real” me
I still kept going but felt nothing at all
And during summer break when I went to the Mcnay art museum I went to a LGBT art group meeting & everyone was talking about their struggles
When I started talking about my life everyone started crying, saying I don’t deserve to feel this way
Even though my family just blamed and abused me for so long for 15 years they are trying to change and be better to me, but my dad and sis
They are not, they are always angry all the time and take it out on me
Whenever something happened to me because of them I would tell my friends online and they would say, “They need to stop being so hard on you
Or "I swear your sister’s aren’t supposed to treat you this way, you do so much for them but they just treat you like trash”
Or even saying this “If you can’t trust therepist’s then don’t.go to them if they keep saying those bad things about you”
The mean things those therepist’s were saying was this -
“If she keeps crying she will become homicidal”
“She just needs to stop being a-
*"She just needs to stop being a crybaby”
“You need to stop being the way you are and.just grow up”
Well how can I if you keep bringing it
Up? How can I if you keep beating me down and abusing me in so many ways?
And also the horrible things my sister’s always said about me just makes me hurt the most
“Your so annoying just stop trying to breathe and talk”
“I wish you weren’t my big sister!”
“I just wish you were dead”
“God you are such a crybaby, no wonder no one likes you”
“Stop crying so much just because you are lonely”
“Oh walk it off! You’ll die alone”
And honestly I am just so done with my sister’s bullshit when I keep trying to be there for her she calls me selfish for crying
And when she is down I was always there to cheer her up but she always pushes me away
Anyway. As I was saying… I have to deal with everything that has ever happened to me, but those horrible things keep repeating over & over
They keep repeating in every single moment of my life and it has driven me mad, I still and trying to recover but it’s not so easy.
I have a constant battle every day in my head to try and recover. It’s a struggle I am unable to overcome..
Everyday my mind always to tell me to smile and laugh at my pain, just keep smiling and laughing through the years and pain
& I do that, but I also am ready to confess somethin I have NEVER told anyone. It was always embarrassing to talk about it but now I’m ready
Y'all know about my Persona’s Alicia & Deathly, they are the good & the bad personas, but also I never told anyone why I like them so much
I liked them so much ever since I was a baby child. I always saw them by my side, they would talk, they would even help and comfort me
Stayed with me, loved me, and they considered me as a friend. They always were there for me, but what’s even sadder, I would try to hug themAnd when I did.. they always disappeared. I would break down so much, it was so much pain I couldn’t handle, it was seething agony
They were always there because I was so dangerously lonely and I have them with me still, they are still with me today as well, they always
I was so damaged & broken as a kid for 15 years, I couldn’t bare it at all, I used to even try to smoke because my grandma Ann used to smoke
I used to drink alcohol because of my Grandpa Art, but also… When I was in my school year’s I ended up coming home all the time, bloody
Bloody,burised,cut and always limped, my family didn’t really care for me back then, but the ones who were with me was Grandma Rose and Leslie
I felt so lonely and worthless I had started cutting and burning myself when I was only 3
I would sob all the time but I still managed to be the top at my class, and when I had started drawing, I did it to calm myself down
And still, I draw and I’m an artist because I love to draw. But back then people used to rip my drawings apart in front of me
I would just feel so bad, people would hurt me and use things against me to make me miserable and unhappy, not letting me be myself
Even before I went to highschool, I know in the 8th grade I was drawing in the middle of class, to calm me down, but the substitute took it
She threatened to burn it, if I didn’t start working, when I asked the person to ask him if he could ask her to give it back he yelled at me
He yelled at me in front of the whole class, I had started to break down and scream into my hands, sobbing because I felt like I was doing
I felt like I was doing something bad when I actually wasn’t, the school allowed me to draw during class if I ever felt nervous
2 other cases had happened as well during that 8th grade year, I was in a special class AND was told to wait for my teacher for my special teacher
The teacher who was in that classroom I was told to wait in, took my drawing book away and I asked her nicely to give it back, but all she
*But all she said to me was “Oh shut up and stop crying” I was so furious. She KNEW I was allowed to draw during class or anything if I
Ever felt nervous, but she just ignored it and told me to stop being a crybaby. The assistant principal had came in after that as well
*Like she was the victim and that I was the bad guy in that situation, she said she didn’t do it when I SPECIFICALLY heard her say that!
I was sent home after it had happened that day, I still don’t have my old drawing books.. I still wanted them back but they wanted me to pay
*Pay for it,
EXCUSE ME!? those books are MY property! I bought them myself! You have no right to take them & expect me to pay for it as if
*As if it were a phone! It was so ugh! I was so pissed off & I still don’t have them,my grandma even stormed down to the school to get them
They wanted me to pay 50$ in order to get them back,I hated it. The other case that happened was my teacher taking out their anger on me
& I started crying so much when she thought I was slacking off when I was using the computer to work on a essay, the other students who were
Only 4th graders kept on telling the teacher to stop because they knew that I was working,but she didn’t. she told me to grow up..&….
She told me this “Oh stop crying and grow the hell up, stop being such a crybaby”
After lunch,I went back to her class she ‘apologized’ & said “I’m sorry for screaming at you I was just so angry with the 4th graders”
“I was so stressed out with them I’m sorry for yelling at you, you need to stop crying although and grow up”
“And stop slacking off.”
WTH JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE STRESSED OUT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME AND EMBARRASS ME
And I still hate her, I still have the people who abused and hurt me, but I know they were just being pricks
I would never forgive them after what they did to me, they even did it to me because of my disorders & because of my looks & myself entirely
They said was nothing but a waste of space. I was always so broken & I still am, I have nothing left in my heart, just a husk of the old me
It’s funny… How I thought Alicia and Deathly were my real 'friends’ when I made them up in my mind
It’s so sad at the same time, so depressing, they will still be my Persona’s because they are the voices in my head & I like them so much
But these week and the many hurtful things that happened to me has completely broke me, I feel nothing, I feel empty, I feel lonely and sad
So there you have it, about why I’m like this, I have a feeling you all are gonna tell me to grow up& stop being a crybaby but go ahead…
Go ahead I guess but also I’m sorry you all had to read about how I feel and feel annoyed about it, I understand.
This is what was exactly said on my Twitter account when I decided to tell everyone about how I felt.
(plus had to make a part two because I reached a limit for a text post on Tumblr but yes...)
Now you all know what is my current situation and why updates and art posts are slow, but for those who think I'm being selfish and just want attention I'm actually not. I'm just explaining how I feel.
Plus I did do a drawing of how I feel because I thought it was needed for what and how I felt, and for those who care about me. Thank you, I'm glad you are there for me and will always be my friends and like family in my heart :'3
