Isn't there a moment where you just want to lash out, just straight up throw everything in air with a scream and a yell.... just let the world know how you feel the things you hate the things you love and most importantly the things that make you feel you.
To be honest I have
I haven't pulled through with it because well, it just ain't in my self consciousness, I honestly always think what would happen if something were to happen to me?
Would people care, or would they just say fuck it "why not he was a good guy, I'll give him the benefit of the visit ".
It's been a couple of years now, where as if it's a premonition to something dire. I see myself being the main character in a tragedy. Where not only I see myself being lost and alone, wondering aimlessly in the deaths of total darkness. Then there's that ray of hope, that sunshine on a rainy day. Illuminating the path to the gray and colorless light where in turn I see but small specks of colors. I see no colors, all I see are options and consequences.
Just how every decision brings forth a consequence... so does my life, everyday it's a constant struggle to keep myself smiling for those around me and most importantly to my family that even when we don't agree on things, they will have my backs. And to my friends that annoy me to last bit of my body, they are still trustworthy people that I can turn too.
But I don't.
I keep all that inside, to make sure that everyone is happy. I make sure I'm the one taking the blunt of every single negative aspect of their life. I'm the one that enjoys letting others find happiness instead of myself.
Several have told me that it isn't right, but I don't listen, I continue the same exact path I've always walked and now to it's extent. I keep walking.
I keep walking, hiding away my insecurities, hiding away all but one desire: I show to the world that I am a person that always seeks for other happiness, not there hate.
I can't bring myself to hate a person, yeah I can say some people get on my bad side but that doesn't me I won't look out for them.
Because again I am the main character in my own tragic story, one that I alone dream of constantly.
One that hides his true self, a mask that never ceases to break, a mask made out of the very essence of life.
But also one that just wants to be noticed for his truth self, to be told " I'm glad for you, I'm glad that you are seeking your dreams" .
But no, those words only show up to those that are in the spotlight of everything.
Unlike me, I stay away from it. I despise being the center of attention, but at the same time I despise not being noticed. Even the tiniest of it.
Heck, I get so happy when I get compliments on things, I get happy when I'm actually having a conversation with someone and trust me that rarely happens.
I ain't one to cry, I think crying is for the weak.
My ideal is simple: "the strong are the ones that survive, the weak don't" "equivalent exchange is a thing, you must be willing to sacrifice something to get another".
But there is just times when my chest tightens, my thoughts get jumbled, and I just sit there ... everything rushing into me like fire that streams through a forest or river with its ferocious streams of water.
I lose myself and that hidden side of me appears, I don't want to be a person that hates everything, I want to stay positive... but there is limit to my soul as there is a limit to my body.
It just breaks. Like shattered glass, it breaks.
