I heard a silent knock on the door and a quietly spoken "Frank"
I hurried up to open the door. He was standing in front of me soaking wet. He was looking down like he was ashamed or afraid I wasn't quite sure . Strong smell of cigarettes was spreading around him when i noticed it. The blood. His sleeves were soaked with blood. A chill went down my spine as I felt my stomach twist around. I knew what he had done. I knew it all along, months before, years maybe and I did nothing. I did nothing to help him, to try and stop him. Now he was here standing in front of me vulnerable and childlike and the realization that a man as extraordinary as him wanted to harm himself had hurt me like nothing had before.
Blood made me sick but I needed to do this for him.
"Gerard" I said slowly. As I spoke his name I noticed my voice was shaking and I tried to calm myself down.
"I needed to see you" every single word he spoke made me shiver.
"Of course, come inside. I'll get you a hot cup of coffee and a blanket."
"Okay" he said those word with such uncertainty I wasn't sure he'd come in.
He sat on the couch and I hurried in the kitchen to bring him the things he needed. I stopped in front of the living room door. They were opened and I could hear his heavy breathing. It was almost like he was preparing himself for a show in front of a 100 people. I entered the room and he turned around. I could feel his eyes on me but I looked down. I couldn't face him. I couldn't see him in that state. I sat next to him still looking down at my hands. I offered him that cup of coffee that was now getting too hot to hold. He accepted it but flinched when my hand accidentaly touched his.
"Listen Frank" he broke the silence
Then something got into me and i suddenly felt very angry.
"How could you? How could you do this to yourself? How could you do this to ME?" My voice sounded harsher than I wanted it to be.
"I never wanted you to know. I never wanted to hurt you" he said, he was hurt by my words. I could tell.
"Well you did" my voice was calmer but there was still a dose of unbelief in it.
"I wanted you to know this first. I can't do this anymore" his voice was so quiet I could barely understand what he was saying.
"You can't do what Gerard?" I said confused.
"Life" he said simply but with such heaviness it hit me so hard I forgot to breathe.
"Life?" I asked once again to make sure I wasn't imagining
"Yeah life" he repeated
I couldn't comprehend what he was saying to me so I sat there confused for a couple minutes.
"Life" I stated finally.
Then everything erupted from me. I started yelling and throwing things around. I grabbed him by his t-shirt and pulled him up. He was emotionless and that only made me angrier. I punched him. Again and again. He didn't fight back, he didn't need to. When I understood what I had done I collapsed on the floor and started sobbing. I couldn't hold it inside any longer.
"It's all my fault" I whispered.
I heard footsteps approaching me and I felt his cold arms around me.
"It's really not" he said it like it was the truth but I couldn't bring myself to believe him.
"If only I noticed it sooner. If only I'd done something to make you feel better, to make you feel loved" I was breaking in front of him, in front of a man more broken than I could ever be. I felt ashamed, weak.
"You wouldn't be able to stop it. No one would"
I wanted to beg, to cry my eyes out but I only said "okay".
"I need you to do it" he said then.
I understood what he wanted from me I just couldn't believe what he was asking.
"You want me to do it" I repeated his words.
"I would do it myself but I'm too weak" he said those words with such regret my heart ached
"You know I can't, nor I want to" I stated strongly.
"Please Frank I need you to do me this last favor. That's all I'm asking. You are the person that matters to me the most.I have no one else" he was practically begging me but not for his life no. He was begging me to take it from him.
"Okay" I didn't know how or why I said it but I did.
"Thank you" he said and he really seemed grateful.
"Come tomorrow" I said and he knew I wanted him to go then.
He didn't seem upset by my cold voice
He said a quiet goodbye, got up and exited the room.
I sat there not fully aware of anything for what seemed like days. I was wondering if he's going to come although I already knew the answer.
I got pulled out of my wondering as soon as the morning sun touched my face but I kept sitting there even after I heard this time louder knock on the door.
"Come in" i said absently looking through the window
I didn't see him enter the room but I heard his footsteps.
"Were you sitting there since last night?" His question made me realise I did.
"That's not important right now"
"How do you want it done?" I continued talking.
He handed me the gun he pulled out of his pocket. It was cold and it made my skin tingle when I took it from him.
"Excuse me but could you please leave me for a moment? I need to clear my head" I said please but It was a demand.
He slowly nodded turning away.
I felt my heart getting narrower and suddenly I got breathless. When I managed to make myself breath again I called his name. He came immediately and stopped walking in the middle of the room.
"Get it over with please" he whispered. Til now I was certain he was ready but I swear I saw his eyes glimmer and I heard pain in his voice.
I stood up and brought the gun in front of me.
I pulled the trigger and in the moment the gun should have fired a single tear rolled down his cheek.
He was looking at me like a hurt animal.
I started walking towards him and a few moments later I was a few inches away from his face.
"F-f-Frank?" He asked confused
"I took the bullets out when i was alone in the room. I couldn't do It. I just couldn't. You need to understand. You mean too much to me, you mean everything to me. You're all I have and I won't, I WILL NOT let you leave me. You cannot leave me" and in that moment I started crying uncontrollably. I felt like shit. I was crying in front of this man for the second time in 2 days.
"Frank." He said. "Frank, look at me."
I didn't want to. My eyes were red and my face was swollen but his hand raised my face to his. I was shorter than him so I was looking up on the man I admired so much.
"Frank, I won't leave you. I wanted to leave this shit we call world but I realised I don't want to leave you. You. You. You are the only thing that matters to me. You. Only you. My Frank."
He kept repeating that word and I couldn't hold it. I smashed my lips against his with such passion I never knew I had inside me. He was startled for a moment but he kissed me back. We were kissing like that for what seemed like eternity. I pulled away and whispered.
"I need you. I love you. Don't ever leave me"
He smiled and I thought I saw happiness in his eyes.
"I love you too".
