Something About Sam

Chapter 28

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We're back in my hotel room. I haven't exactly asked Taite if he'd like to go out or do anything, but he gives me his answer when he strips off his coat and falls down onto my bed, sighing contently. He grabs a pillow and cuddles it close to his chest. His eyes flutter closed. I watch him. I watch the fabric of the pillow squeeze between the gaps in his fingers. I see the faint outlines of a faded smile on his lips. His face burrows deeper into the pillow.

I kick off my sneakers and watch Taite a little more. "I can get another room down the hall for you," I tell him. "I would have gotten two queen beds if you told me you were coming."

"Michelle got me a room," he answers but doesn't bother to open his eyes, or get up and pop down the hallway and be done with me forever. So I take my chances. I sit on the edge of the bed, watching it dip towards the weight of me. Taite doesn't move a muscle.

"Want to watch a film?" I suggest, tugging at the ends of the depressing snow storm sweater I am wearing. I smile thinking of when Taite told me the color matches my eyes.

He shakes his head no but refuses to do anything except lie there and be an adorable motherfucker. He's still wearing his Timberland boots, and his feet are hanging over the edge of the bed, so I get up and start untying them and pulling them off his feet. He doesn't realize that yes, I can multitask, so I am staring at the big ass smile on his face and I'm grinning widely back and the two of us look like absolute morons.

He mumbles a "Thanks," but his voice gets caught in the Egyptian cotton and his smile, so I can't really hear him.

But I definitely hear him when he lifts his head slightly, and opens his eyes slowly, and says, "You broke up with me too, you know."

I laugh because apparently, my body thinks that this is an appropriate reaction. Judging by the very pronounced frown on Taite's face, it is not. He sits up, so he's on the edge of the bed facing me. I want to sit down because I'm standing and he's not, so I grab the chair at the desk and take a seat across from him. "I'm not kidding," he tells me--as if his face wasn't indication enough.

"No, you're not, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed. It's just..." I trail off. Taite motions for me to continue. I fight the ironic smile when I say, "You broke up with me. Very clearly. I wanted no part in that."

He rolls his eyes like I'm not getting his point. And he's smarter than me, very much so, so maybe I'm not getting it. "Sam, I know that. I know I stopped dating you, but you stopped being my friend. You stopped talking to me. You never once answered me until I was smart enough to call when you were too fucked up to read your caller ID. Which, if you're wondering, is usually around 3-4 AM." I want to snicker at this because Taite is oddly smiling, but I can't bring myself to laugh because what he says is true, and so damn sad. "You're not the only one who got hurt, Sam. That's all I'm saying."

I take a deep breath in. "Why is this relevant?"

He leans forwards on his elbows. "Because I know what you're doing. I know how you're coping with this, with us, and I'm worried. I'm really worried, Sam."

He's talking about the drugs. "We all heal in different ways, Taite. We're not all super human sons of the Governor who don't feel pain."

He looks like I've just slapped him in the face. And I guess, metaphorically I have. I'm just tired of people telling me what's best for me. I know what's best for me. Not Taite, Sarah, dad, Lena, Michelle. Me.

"Fuck you," he spits, and it's so dirty and grimy I hate every fucking letter coming from his innocent, virgin lips. Four seconds go by, and he takes a deep breath to calm himself down. "Just because I seem okay, it doesn't mean I'm okay."

I nod because I know this. I have been this. I want to ask him, how do you cope when no one is there to hide from? How do you cope when you are alone? But I stay silent. Because it feels weird talking about healing from a breakup with the ex who broke your heart.

"You are amazing." I stare at his lips and I know that they're moving and I know that he's saying this to me unprompted, but I still don't get it.

"What?" Is what I say back.

"You are amazing," he says again. He has more confidence in the words this time, and I practically feel him inside me. "You are creative and so talented. I can't watch you waste another minute with crappy people and drugs that numb your brain. Fuck You Kentucky. I want to hear it on radio stations. I want to hear it and ten more songs just like it. I want raw, Sam Ford. I want you to find who you are, because I know right now you're a little mixed up. And that's okay. I just don't want to see you fuck everything up because you're the one person I know who deserves every single thing he's gotten."

I don't know what to say because I've never felt someone's words before. I've never felt it when someone talks to me. Sure I hear it, but I don't feel it. And right now, I'm feeling it in every one of my 206 adult sized bones.

"Sam?" I realize I've probably been silent for five minutes. The only thing I want to do is show Taite how much he makes me feel. And not just in the heart-pumping, groin-aching way. In the holy-shit-my-body-is-tearing-itself-into-better-bigger-more-amazing-pieces-just-from-your-voice way.

I look up from my hands, which I've been staring at, watching them as they shake with Taite's thoughts. I look up at the boy in front of me. His lips are parted and he's clearly concerned, but he has his shoulders rolled back and there is a clear head on his shoulders and so much poise in the way he sits. He is everything I wish I could be and more. He is everything I am not. He is the lost jigsaw piece I left in Kentucky, and I am the rest of the puzzle waiting to be completed. "I'm in love with you."

He doesn't look surprised. He blinks. His lips close.

I ramble. "I know you probably don't love me too, but it's all I can say. I'd like to say a few more things, like, I know that you're worried about me and I am too. But I won't disappoint you. Never in a million years. And I also want to say that I never wanted to stop being your best friend. I just couldn't be there for a while. I tried, but my fingers wouldn't work when I wanted to call you. I thought I needed time away from you, but I didn't. I needed you, every day. And I will need you every day from now on until I die. Because you are my lost jigsaw piece and the whole picture goes to shit if you don't have all the pieces."

His lips slide upwards. He is smiling a Taite Jefferson smile. He is looking at me like holy shit! I am Sir Issac Newton and I have just discovered gravity. He is looking at me like he has been waiting for me his whole life. He doesn't know that I've been waiting for him all of mine.

And then: "Then let's not let the picture go to shit, Sam."

And then: he kisses me.