I said this. I've said things like this to myself and others. And much worse. When I said that, I was convinced I meant it, but I didn't. And every second I spend telling myself "What the fuck is wrong with you for saying this to your best friend?" I didn't want to lose you, yet I did because I said those things myself. I can't come and tell you "please forgive me and take me back because I don't want to be that person, and i don't want to lose you" because the way I said those things, I was trying to be convincing of the fact that I did. I said the worst things I have ever thought about you, Joaquín. I thougjt things like this all the time, but I dont believe them, as strongly as I said them, and as backed by conviction i declared them. I have convinced myself of even worse. I've told you before how I pictured in my mind the very moment I'd lose you. It was just like this. And I thought about it all the time because you were too good to be true. But you were. And I couldn't handle it because you were the best friend I ever, ever had. I had to go and ruin it. I'm so sorry I did that. Not only because I lost the greates person I've ever known, but because I know my apology is meaningless and pathetic in the face of what i did and said to you. You have every possible reason to never speak to me, or even read this, again. I know I am a terrible person. I know you don't deserve to ever put up with me again. What I did to you is one of the worst things I've ever done not only to another person but to myself, because i stole my own greatest pillar of strength, my best friend, away from me by letting my negative thoughts out into the world for a few minutes. I know this does not come even close to fixing it in any way, but I want you to know that that is my dark side, that is the part of me I don't want, and i am sincerely trying to get rid of it. I want to be better to you. And while Ive said, and it holds true, that you have no reason to give me another chance, I beg that you do.
