what are feelings?

제1장

i fell. i fell deep.

hunger became my best friend, and the piercing cuts on my skin was my medicine. seeing the blood seep through the multiple sharp incisions made on my dry skin was the core to my satisfaction. i started to hurt myself even more because i simply could not love me.

i starved myself longer when i had bad days, i cut deeper into my skin when the blood failed to show. i buried all of my feelings in this fragile heart of mine and i slowly but surely isolated myself from people.

i craved for pain.

i made pain, so i had something valid to feel sad about.

i was tired of being so empty, after waiting for my life to be filled up. i was tired of being depressed for no reason valid enough that i couldn't even accept.

i've hibernated into a state where endless emotions of self-dispute and personal disgust would fill me over and over again, hitting me like acidic raindrops on a sunny day and letting me fall painfully to the cold, hard ground.

who...am i?
i don't know me anymore.
i feel like i'm looking at a stranger
each time i stare upon my reflection in the honest mirror.

i used to be someone who despised self-harm. i was blaring with sunshine and joy, and i was oh-so confident about keeping myself on the right track.

but now, what have i gotten myself into? i missed the stop on my train ride, and i've gone on a completely different path from what i've intended.

this feels like a black hole, simply endless. this feels like a black hole, i'm plummeting deeper into the depths of despair each time i search for the light of escape.

i fell deep, and i've fallen too deep.

someone please help me find my way out.

i'm begging you.