Moving On (Peter Pan X Reader ft. TMR: Newt)

Chapter 1

I didn't stop the wail that escaped my mouth as I crawled to him and laid his head on my lap. His eyes were closed as if he was sleeping and I played with his hair. My eyes landed on the hole that was on his head. A hole that was there because of me. I killed him and ended his suffering.

Somehow I'm glad that I did. Now he's in a better place and he's feeling no more pain. That's what I told myself so I would feel better. So I wouldn't feel so guilty.

But now I'm the one feeling pain. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to escape from this world. I picked up the gun and placed it on my head. I was about to pull the trigger but someone was holding my hand. I looked up and saw that it was Newt. I thought I was going crazy since Newt was over here.

"(Y/N) please don't do it," he told me.

"But I can't live without you. I can't live with the guilt."

"You can live without me. Live your life fully. Live it for the both of us."

I didn't want to listen but then I found myself dropping the gun into the ground. "Okay," I promised.

After that, I went to Thomas and gave him a nod saying that it was done. Then before we knew it, we were finally in Paradise. But for me, it wasn't paradise without Newt. We were finally safe and free, but the guilt I feel and the memories of what I did will never free me.

After what I did, do I really deserve to be happy?

Nowadays I mostly keep to myself, I'll just run a couple of laps then rest and eat. That's been my cycle for a while. According to the others I've been doing this for almost a month. They wanted me to join the others and make new friends. Get to know other people so I won't be lonely. But even if I surround myself with a thousand people, I don't think they can drive the loneliness away.

Right now, I was running on the mountain side. I was just running because that was the only thing that made sense. It was the only thing I felt like I could do. I was a Runner when I was at the Maze. I threw the thought of the Maze away from my head and continued on. Thinking of the Maze makes me think of Newt. Then when I think of Newt, I start to think about the times we spent at the Maze and how we fell in love. I don't mind having those thoughts but then I start to remember when I killed him.

I killed him.

I'm a murderer.

I killed the boy that I loved.

I killed the only boy I've ever loved.

I stopped and started to cry. I've been holding back my tears now for a month. Everyone expected me to cry but I didn't. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I also couldn't bring myself to cry in front of a lot of people. Only one person has seen me cry and he's Newt. I wonder if he could see me now.

It was then I lifted my head and saw the view in front of me. The view I had of now was of the sea. It was such a huge body of water that I never thought I'd see. Behind me was the village. I couldn't understand how everyone could be fine. Their world was still moving and spinning. They were doing such an amazing job of moving on and starting anew. Yet here I am, still stuck in the past and I don't think it will ever let me go.

I stood up and slowly walked towards the edge. Just a few more steps and I'd see him again.

"I'm sorry Newt. I'm not strong. I can't be strong without you. You were the one keeping me together."

Before I knew it, I was falling.

-

My eyes fluttered open to see a blue and healthy sky. Healthy and green trees and plants surrounding me. I propped myself up using my elbows and saw that half of my body was on sea. I stood up but fell on the sand since my legs felt wobbly. I turned my head and saw that there were different types of fruit neatly placed on the ground. I looked around and found that it was quiet. Too quiet.