As he walked, he couldn't control his thoughts from wandering. The day hadn't been eventful in any way, yet he kept thinking of the one thing that had happened that day.
He died.
Wait? WHAT!?
He's dead already? The main character of this story is dead? This early into the story? That wasn't even four sentences in! He was supposed to die in an epic battle against his eternal rival after his lover was killed, or something majestic but unnecessary like that.
So...
How about that weather, eh reader?
Alright enough of this small talk chit chat bullcrap, and back to the story. Yes... He was walking. And dead.
As he thought about his death, he wondered "why... Did I say that one embarrassing thing when I was five, that I shouldn't remember but do for some reason." That was the only thought that was going through his mind, oh, and him being dead and stuff. As he stopped thinking for a second and realized one thing. He was walking.
"But how is he walking when he's dead?"
Don't interrupt me reader! I'm getting to that part! If you interrupt me again I'm going to have to get out my theoretical wooden spoon. Now back to the story before is was so RUDELY interrupted.
He was walking, but he was dead. He looked around at his surroundings. Nothing much, just some endless barren wasteland and millions of screaming and tortured souls. Just another average day back in his high school.
In front of him was a line of people. The main character tapped the person in front of him on the shoulder. As the person turned around and came face to face with him, he noticed some thing.
Oh! Oh! What is it? What did he notice?
SHUuuUT UUP! I'm narrating here! If you do this one more time I will go out and buy a spoon! And you know what that means! I hope?
He noticed that the man had a pocket knife stuck in his cheek.
"What do you want kid? Can't you see I'm busy?" He says with a sixties-esk voice.
You snicker at his voice and reply "Doing what?"
"Bein' dead, ahey!"
"Have fun with that. And where exactly are we?"
"Can't you tell? We're knockered! We are in the domain of Hades, Satan, Nate, or whatever hell ruling entity you believe in."
" We're in hell? What the here! Why did I end up in hell? I thought I would go to heaven! I didn't do anything bad when I was alive! Unless you count laughing at old people falling down or stealing people's imaginary friends"
" Well... If you look to your left you can see heaven"
The main character looks left, and sure enough, there is a small hill in the distance with light rays shining down. When he listens close he can hear screams, and music, but mostly screams.
"How do I get into there from here?" The main character asks with curiosity.
"Well kiddo, you walk. With your legs. To heaven"
"Seems easy. Well have fun being dead after I leave. Oh, and you have a little something here", he gestures towards the dead guys cheek, "bye."
It's that easy to get into heaven? Pfft, yeah right.
THAT'S IT! IM BUYING A SPOON, AND WHILE IM AT IT IMMA BUY A COUNTRY CD AND FORCE YOU TO LISTEN TO IT WHILE I TICKLE YOUR ARM PITS!
Wtf is wrong with you?
Too many things to list. Back to the story!
As the main character leaves the line, he hears the sound of a powerful engine. He looks and sees..
Mr.T? On a giant my little pony?
"Mr.T? I thought you were alive."
"I PITY DA FOOL WHO THINKS THAT!"
"Well, I'll just be going now."
"NOT SO FAST, CUPCAKE! You going to hell!"
The ground cracks open and fills the main character's sight with blinding light, and swallows him up. His senses are all lost in the light.
Why are you throwing Mr.T into the story now?
HEY!My story, my choice. Deal with it.
He hears a soft and familiar voice. He opens his eyes, he has fallen off his bed, and his blinds have been opened. He hears the voice again.
"I PITY DA FOOL WHO THINKS HE GOT OFF THAT EASY!"
"NOOO MR.T, NOOO!"
He opens his eyes and he's in his room. His mother is in his room, she's saying something?
"Sweety, it's not summer break anymore. It's time for you to go back to highschool"
"WHY COULDNT MR.T HAVE JUST TAKEN ME!"
"Aww, sweety, you'll do fine in your awkward social interactions today, don't worry about it."
THE END
That's it? That's the whole thing?
Pretty good, write? Get it? Cause I wrote this story? Oh man I'm just too funny. I'm haha-larious!
You need to be checked by professional doctors and psychiatrists. Seriously. Please. Do it.
After this story was published that reader was found tied up in a room, with country playing on repeat, a feather beside them, a pot of soup with a wooden spoon, and a note saying "the spoon has awoken".
We believe a mentally ill person has escaped from the insane asylum and warn all readers to be careful when roaming the streets.
