Duplicity

Part Two: Tom

Louis my husband and soul mate of thirteen years or William my perfect lover and secret affair of two years?

If I did decide to end it with William would I tell Louis what I have been doing, should I be a man and admit everything risking all that we have? Or shall I choose the cowards way out and leave it, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him right? If I am already a contemptible human being then maybe I should tell him and if he decided he couldn’t forgive me I could move in with William then I have someone to fall back on?

Oh my god what am I thinking of… I love these men and I am talking about playing them off against each other. Whoever will have me will win me, I am disgusting and I can’t believe that I am even contemplating leaving Louis for anyone. As Louis cuddled up to me in bed I tried to think of any reason why I would have done this to him in the first place.

What was missing from this picture, what had he done to deserve this? I couldn’t think of anything, he didn’t yell at me for being messy or when I stayed out late, he never withheld sex from me and we still went at it like rabbits even after all these years. He always bought me gifts and he was spontaneous, keeping things exciting in our marriage so no I had no real reason.

Except…well there was no spark of passion like there was with William. I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was exactly but with William I felt like a teenager again and with Louis I felt like a married man slowly approaching forty. It wasn’t exactly a comfortable feeling but at the same time it was safe and I liked feeling safe and wanted, I wasn’t so sure that William would be able to provide the same kind of security.

I hated making decisions, Louis had always took control of everything allowing me to put my feet up and sail effortlessly through life. The one decision I ever made ended in me being in this current predicament and now I was facing a multitude of decisions that would need to be made and soon. I didn’t want to hurt either of them but I knew it would happen, I just hoped if I chose to stay with my husband William would respect that.

If he decided he wasn’t ready to let go he would tell Louis everything and I didn’t want that, if he was going to find out I didn’t want it to be from the other man. I am not sure I could deal with the look of disappointment and hurt from him if that were to happen, he would cope if I told him but no one else.

I think I have spent my life misunderstanding the phrase the grass is always greener on the other side. I have truly made a mess of everything but I am not sure that I am ready to fix it all just yet, I am not sure I am ready to let go of either of them. As I lay looking at my husband sleeping a barrage of memories flies through my mind and despite the fact that I love William I will always be in love with my Louis.

Louis my beautiful husband who gives me the world every time he smiles at me, how could I want more than that? I have no answers but the one thing I do know is I am not ready to give either of them up just yet I need to think this over some more before I make a rash decision.

The next day at Williams he seemed withdrawn slightly, when I looked down at him I could see that he was thinking hard about something and I had a sinking feeling. When I asked him what was wrong it took him a while to snap out of his day dream and answer me, the problem was when he did answer I wish I’d never asked.

The argument that followed wasn’t pretty, he was demanding that I choose between him and Louis and he was giving me two weeks to decide. As I got up dressed and left in a hurry I realised my decision had already been made, Louis never demanded anything from me and if I stayed with William how long would it be before I became his bitch.

I decided to stop seeing William after that and I was surprised when the two week mark was over that I received no contact from him at all. He clearly didn’t love me as much as he let on if he wasn’t up to a little bit of begging, I wouldn’t have gone back but it would have shown me that he did actually love me.

I had to play the break up with William carefully I couldn’t just automatically end up at home each night two hours early I would have to gradually start coming home sooner. So I went to a bar every night after work instead making sure to drink vodka so that Louis couldn’t smell the drink on my breath. I could hold my alcohol well so he never knew that I had been drinking but he began to change anyway.

When I walked through the door at my usual time each night my tea wasn’t ready and Louis was just rushing through the door. I asked him where he had been and he told me he had to work late too, he told me that I would have to stop being lazy and make my own tea sometimes.

What the fuck was going on here? First William becomes more demanding and now Louis is becoming less subservient, maybe I should just meet someone else and be done with both of them? No I loved Louis and I needed him, that’s why I left William after all to finally be the husband that Louis deserved.

Around two months after leaving William and still no word from him, I had officially moved on and I wanted to treat Louis to a night out but he wasn’t home yet. When he got in I could tell that something was wrong with him, this was becoming a habit in all things he has even been avoiding sex which wasn’t like him at all.

He asked me why I was no longer working late and I told him that the project had finished so I could spend more time with him now. I noticed his jaw clench at that and I wondered again what was wrong with him. Unfortunately I didn’t have to wait long because he followed with a tirade of accusations. William must have grassed me up and I needed to act quickly to fix this because I needed Louis to look after me like he always has.

What gave me hope was that he was talking calmly so maybe in the end he would forgive me after all we loved each other right?