I must preface this by saying, this is the first thing I've written in four months, in which time I have gotten sober.
Feelings have been encroaching on my mind again for the first time since December of last year. I feel the need to find love again, possibly to cancel out the hatred I have for humankind. I have people who love me, but it's sort of a strange love. These people love me for an overwhelming sadness I bleed when touched, and that's not who I am. Or at least I don't think it is. There's a strong possibility that it is entirely who I am, just for now. I doubt that it will be who I am at twenty six, if I can stomach life for that long. But anyhow, these people "love" me, and for what it's worth, I appreciate it. I can say right now, and I will lie to your face if confronted on this, I don't "love" you. I love one girl, who i've only known for a handful of days, and I'm not sure why I do. Maybe it's because she's a simple person, who's (for the most part) conquered her demons. Maybe it's because she's just as sad as me, and has the ability to still be a ray of sunshine in my life. Maybe it's because i'm stupid and fall in love with people who have sex with me and then leave. Either way i'm hung up to dry over this girl, who thinks I'm "admirable and honest" when in fact i'm just a black hole, who will suck in anyone who loves me, and destroy them.
I've met many people, and loved many people, then been betrayed by many people. I feel as though my prior statement: "hatred I have for humankind" is a bit harsh. I don't hate them as much as I, fear, them. I do despise most people twelve to twenty three, for their lack of effort in all that they do. I suppose none of this makes any sense though.
I just feel as though you're foolish for saying you know anything, when you can only know about three things: •Humans are hateful, arrogant, and selfish.
•Humans are beautiful, gentle, and caring.
•No matter what we do, or how hard we try to keep ourselves safe, we will all die at some point.
Then again there's many more things to note. I just hate the things I get accused of, when in reality I am far less to blame for anything, than the person who accused me. For they are the one who broke their path to focus on mine. All that tells me is that they must be hiding something deeper and more twisted than whatever menial mistake I have made.
Once along time ago, I was in a car, with a beautiful soul who thought they knew much more than they do. I was talking to them about how I feel about life, and the humdrum, hotchpotch, mundanity of it all that we dress up so we can feel better about dying, and they said something along the lines of "your auras are in chaos let me fix this" and seeing as they won't come to terms with how ignorant that statement was, I decided to forgo the argument and let them perform some "spell" on me. I lay in the back of the car as they hold their hands above me and say something in a language that didn't exist, and then five minutes of silence. Afterwards I was asked how I felt, and I once again bought into the inside joke of their spiritualism and said better. I think I did feel better, but only because I wasn't alone for five minutes. It was an odd experience.
I suppose the whole message I'm trying to get out, is that nothing really matters much, you can try your damnedest to love someone but it doesn't mean that they will feel any different about you, so save your breath for the crying. I'm not a lyricist, nor a writer, I'm just a sad sack of shit. A lot of people think I'm stuck up, or rude, but I don't like myself much, I don't like anyone much. I just like being left alone. Sometimes I like people, sometimes I don't. I just feel as though it's easier to observe people and how animalistic they really are. Maybe I'll die tomorrow, maybe you will, but you just have to get comfortable with that. People have told me my music, or simple conversations, or writing has touched them, and that's all I've ever wanted, so I guess that means death doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
That's up to You.
