Random Writings Of Mine/ Songs

Loving You

Loving someone you can't have is one of the hardest things you go through. It's one of the stupidest things you'll do. You love this person who doesn't love you back. You sit and you spend hours wondering why. Why do you love this person? Why don't they feel the same way for you? Why does it hurt you so much when you see them walking in the halls with their significant other? Why does it hurt you to see them kissing? Why? What did you do to deserve this? To feel these emotions. What ever happened to being happy? Do you even remember what that feels like? The answer is no. You probably don't remember what it feels like to be happy. This person brings you so much joy but you can never act on it. And that hurts you more than anything.

You see, you were the first person I've ever really cared about. Genuinely cared about. But that doesn't matter to you. You barely even know I exist.

I mean how could you know I exist? I'm only the quiet girl who sits in the back of the classroom. I'm the weird girl who writes your name in her notebook surrounded by hearts. Hearts that are there to show love, love that you don't reciprocate. I sit here and wonder how I fell in love with you. Was it those beautiful eyes, or that gorgeous smile? That beautiful laugh or that perfect little sigh you make when you are stressed? Maybe it was the way you moved when you were skating down the ice rink. I'm not sure.

But one thing I am sure of is that I love you. I love your smile, your laugh, your beautiful eyes, the almost silent noises you make when you're working on something. I love it all. I always have and I always will. Even if I can't have you. You know, just seeing you brings a smile to my face. A smile that I will never understand how it gets to be on my face.

I still think about you all the time. I'll be sitting in class and I'll look over and see you. My mood will immediately plummet to the floor. I know I can't have you. Seeing you makes me think of all the times we could have together. It makes me think of kissing those beautiful lips, having those arms wrapped around me. It makes me think about how I feel so at home with you but I will never ever be able to be with you.

I sit and I think of all the times we had. All of the fun we once had. All of the love you once had for me. Love that is no longer there. It hurts me. It hurts me so goddamn much to see you and remember everything we once had. To have to think about it all and want it back but know I can't have it back. You will never ever want any of it back. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.