She was surrounded by the darkness that held her in place. It was like she was in a room where she couldn't see and was unable to find her way out. But Megan didn't realize was that there were people who could try to help her escape. Every time she got close to someone, it was guaranteed that she would then hurt them somehow. Megan never dated in high school well up until her senior year.
Senior year it is always the year where you can tell who is going to be successful and who is going to be living from paycheck to paycheck. The one thing I was ever expecting was to be noticed, see I hide in the background of everything. I normally don't enjoy being put out in center stage and shown off. I have learned that it is better to be in the background not making any noise. My mom and I made a plan of what I was to do with my life, even if it was to be an interior designer. Honestly, I would just be happy if I were a secretary but as mother says there is no money there. Then my parents got divorced and mom got into flipping houses and helping people flip houses. As I am the helpful child, I went and helped and was successful at thinking ahead of everyone and being prepared, where they were not.
So then my mom and I made this plan that I was to become an Interior Designer, which is completely different from an Interior Decorator. I have this grand plan that I will go to different colleges to get my Bachelors in Interior Designing, and start my own business. Life was going great, there was no darkness following me around. Then something happened and the darkness came out of nowhere. Some days I feel like it has always been there, since I lost someone very close to me at a young age. Maybe over the years it has grown from being one small speck in a corner to the entire corner, slowly bleeding out into the entire room.
You would think after feeling that speck grow for ten years I would tell someone, but who would listen. I'm just a teenager going through a phase, but I'm not. Some days I want to say to hell with the world, I am going to do what I want and be me. Other days I am afraid to go out and see my family, to see them happy and deep down know that there is no way I could be happy. Sometimes I find someone who takes away all of the darkness, well temporarily. But even when I am with them the darkness is there. The darkness is my self doubt, my inability to be confident, the depression that everyone has but hides, and most of all loneliness. No one told me that at the age of eight I would lose the first ever grandfather I have ever known.
No one helped me get over that, they might have tried but it hasn't happened. I am eighteen and I am still haunted by that day, the day I brought him dinner and found him dead. No one knows, or can even come close to how I felt that day. As I yelled for my dad at the bottom of the stair in a green room that I had painted myself, or as I told my mom that she could tell everyone she found him to save me from all of the questions that would be asked. My great grandfather was my best friend and my sunshine, and I found him dead. I couldn't even stand by his coffin at the funeral, I can't let him go yet.
I have a picture of him up in my room to remind me that he is watching me grow up and hoping that he is walking with both legs and not just the one he had while he was with us. He taught me so many things, it might sound like everyone who ever spent time with anyone but he truly bonded me to everything. I still wake up and hope that everything in my life is a dream, but it's not. You know, life hits everyone different and we all hope for the best. I hate to say it but I expect to get hit with the worst of life. No one travels with me through everything, so it means that I end up hiding things from everyone I love, or even care about.
I never thought that I would hide things from anyone, I used to think that I could tell them anything and not feel ashamed about anything. Now it is different, now I actually don't want to talk to people or even tell people anything about me. I just want to remain anonymous, but I have to get over that. My friends think that I have confidence in me and in what I do, but I don't. I am always afraid that I am going to mess up or that someone is going to hate me for doing whatever. People tell me that I shouldn't let it bother me but it does, and I can't help that I feel the need to correct that.
I know I can't please everyone but I can try. My best friends tell me I shouldn't try to please everyone, but that I should instead tell them to screw off. My morals are what tell me to find out what is wrong and try to fix it. It sounds stupid that my morals control a lot of the things I do but whose doesn't. Name one person who ignored their morals and let something happen. You can't can you because we see it in movies and on television; we see that people get into trouble because they follow their morals. But when do the morals bring in the darkness??? The darkness comes after feeling so great, you feel like nothing can ruin this moment. THen you realize that no one can really understand what you did. No one can understand why you feel the way you do.
They can pretend that they know what it is like to get swallowed up by the darkness but some people just can't. I honestly did intend to start this out and make a story but then I got on a rant.
