This issue has quickly become irelavent. I missed my chance to console her. I did the shittiest things to cut her out of my life, but she did a better job at that without having to be as petty as me.
I'm obnoxiously self conscious. If I'm not stressing over not being good enough, I'm hurting people. This wasn't fun. For the first time, hurting this person was not fun. It chewed me up from the inside, but it won't stop to spit it out so I can collect myself.
Reading through her vents, I can't tell which is me or her ex. The thought of him makes me sick to my stomach, yet we're pretty much the same person. Only difference is that I'm an insecure teen, just as conniving though.
So why did I do it? Because I was afraid. When he went to prison (at least I'm hoping he did), she turned to me a bit quickly. Two things about that made my stomach churn.
First off, what if she finds another me? Then, she'd have to lug me around while her heart is with another dude. Thing is though, I've been crazy about this girl since the very beginning. So I was pretty eager to call her mine. Who wouldn't be lmao?
I haven't pretended to be a guy online since sixth grade. Then when the girlfriend I made during that time found out, she despised me. I don't get it though- we still made a connection.
But this girl accepted me. I can't accept myself though, so I know I'll never be able to feel as confident as I was when I identified as a cis guy.
I talked to some friends about how I felt I wasn't good enough for her and they suggested I break up with her. It got out of hand. One of them knew my password and said she'd say the nastiest things to her, since I couldn't bring myself to be meaner than I already was at the moment. My ex didn't deserve that, so I ignored her.
I tried to vent to my other friend, but she just kept telling me how she was in love with me and that she was the only person who'd accept me completely. She hasn't texted me today. She didn't listen to me when I told her I cut myself, or wanted to die. Yet for some reason in her profile she says I'm her "baby".
Then she tells me my ex is doing fine. Her friends are comforting her and I'm happy for that. But I don't have that. I trusted these people who "helped" me break up with her and they aren't there for me like they said they'd be. These people have hurt me so much in the time I've known them, I don't know why I expected them to care for me.
In the end of the day though, at the rock bottom, I can only blame myself. I'm selfish and I expected my ex to still care for me. She's her own person and I need to cut that shit out. There's no possible way I can take back the things I've done, she needs to move on and she's doing just that.
If I did stay with her, I couldn't make her happy. I keep telling myself that I did the best thing, but why does it hurt? It hasn't been too long and she already seems so much better. I should be happy for her.
I don't want to be emotional. I don't know why this feels so suffocating, all I can do is sleep. I've never gotten so heart broken after the end of a relationship before. I tried saying how I hate her out loud, over and over, but I didn't feel it. I just cried lmao. Why doesn't my heart physically hurt? That seriously doesn't make sense lmao.
Geez this sounds so pathetic. I'm really sorry for all of this. I don't know how to deal with this.
