An Ode to . . .

It's nearing midnight, and once again you are on my mind,

I'm stuck on words, nicknames, topics that we left behind.

Once again, I'm thinking of you and your stupid face,

And how I secretly wish that you were here, in his place.

I'm thinking about your eyes, about your smile, about your accent,

And worst of all, I think of how our relationship was not set in cement.

I remember staying up all night to speak with you in your time zone,

And I can still remember how addicted you made me to my phone.

I spoke about you often, so much so that people thought I loved you,

And at the time, I had laughed and said no, but now I know I do.

Maybe not fully, but some part of me craves for you,

And I am unfamiliar with these emotions, I don't know what to do.

I never showed you my face, for fear that you would think I was ugly,

And I knew it to be true, as if I were thinking it so smugly.

I'm glad that I knew you then, that you got to see me in those days,

But I did not know who I was back then, I couldn't see through the haze.

I can see through that now, and I wish I could show you how I've changed,

But I can't help but wonder - would you be impressed, or would you wish that I was still estranged?

It makes me wonder, why did you stop speaking to me, ---,

Were our conversations, our relationship, always a ticking time bomb?

Why did I let you make my heart race with your accent and soft words,

Why would my heart betray me by beating like wings of hummingbirds?

You talked of coming to my country, and I promised you fun days,

Of s'mores and mountains and lakes under the sun's rays.

I said I'd come visit, and you painted a pretty picture for me,

Of sunsets and cafes and museums and proper tea.

You used to call me cutie, and it made my whole world turn,

Then you told me about your new girlfriend, and I felt it begin to burn.

I said I was happy, and I wished you well - the last part was true,

But I felt like I'd entered a new kind of hell, and my world was a dark hue.

It wasn't long after that that we had problems talking, and I can't help but wonder if it was her - or me,

Did I say or do something that made our friendship not okay, if I did, I'm sorry - because I did not see.

I did not see the way you looked at her, I did not see the way you saw us,

I'm sorry that I never know what to say, and that I didn't admit my feelings - but I didn't want to start a fuss.

I love you, ---, and it's so sad to say that it's too late,

As if we ever had a chance to do anything but wait.

It's okay though - you can live your life without me, and I'll continue to love you from 3,941 miles away,

Because it doesn't matter that you never loved me, or that what we had did not stay.

I wish you only the best things in life, my amazing friend ---,

Because what we had will always be the storm, after the calm.