The Summer of Life

chapter one

I stare at myself in the mirror, feeling like a different person. The red, swollen eyed look doesn't suit me at all. I do, however, look more like my mother now than ever before. The all black attire I'm wearing makes me look older and more mature, like a college professor who cries herself to sleep at night after watching The Notebook with her cat and drinking wine straight from the bottle.

"Adrienne?" I hear my mom call from the bottom of the stairs. "We are going to be late, honey." I slip my feet into my heels and grab my purse off of my desk before heading downstairs.

I hear Jonas before I see him, like always. His deep voice is radiating up the stairs, filling the house with a strange sense of warmth, as if his voice was a feeling instead of a sound. He is making small talk with Mom's new boy toy, Kai, about our school's football team.

"There she is!" Jonas says smiling when I walk into the living room. "Looking as beautiful as ever."

"That makes one of us," I joke with him. He smiles a big, Jonas smile and grabs my arm, pulling me into him and hugging me tightly.

He's wearing his Prom slacks and shoes. He opted out of the head-to-toe blackness and chose a deep blue button-down shirt with silver stripes. He looks stunning.

"Mrs. Carter, is it okay if Adrienne and I ride in my car to the funeral?" Jonas asks my mom.

"Well of course," she smiles softly. "I think that will be great."

As soon as we get in the car he grabs the aux cord and puts on my favorite Coldplay song, Yellow. I know he does it to bring me comfort, but as the soft melody spreads through the car I feel my heart breaking all over again. I lean forward and switch the radio off.

"Sorry," he says quietly. "I didn't think that one through."

"It's okay," I tell him.

"It wasn't your fault, Adrienne. You had no idea how bad off he really was," he says, using his assertive voice. He's been using this voice a lot the past few days, always reassuring me that I did nothing wrong and that he would have gotten help if he wanted it.

"I guess," I whisper. I lean my head against the window and feel the warmth from the humid air outside seeping through.

"He loved you, I know he did. He loved both of us," he starts reciting his regular speech but I block him out. I can't handle it today. Today is the funeral. Today I have to be strong for everyone.

When we pull up at the church I see almost every person in our small town pushing their way in, shaking hands with Pastor Tom as they walk through the door. When it's our turn to go through he shakes my hand extra softly, as if he might pull it right off if he grabs it too tight. I don't speak to him, I just walk into church and inhale deeply.

If you're there, God, help me get through the next hour without hyperventilating or strangling someone. I don't think murder in Your house will get me into Heaven, and I would really like to go there one day.

I walk up to the front row and sit myself down next to Tanner's mom. She looks over and sees that it's me and rests her hand on top of mine. "How are you doing, Adrienne?" She asks me. She's wearing one of his button up shirts. I can smell his cologne coming off of it.

"I'm fine, Mrs. Gardener, how are you feeling toady?"

"Stronger," she smiles slightly, "It's like he's here with me. I feel as though he's sitting here right in the middle of us."