Heartbreak comes in all shapes and sizes, its kind of like a guessing game, you literally never know what you're gonna get or when you're gonna get it. It can be scary when you don't know whether or not something will last and its even more scary when you're completely in love.
You know that feeling you get of butterflies in your stomach when your around someone you're crushing on? Or when your palms start sweating and you can't stop smiling? Love is nothing like that, love means so much more than giddiness.
When one loves another they feel the need to constantly protect that person. Love means staying up almost all night just to fix your faults and arguments. Love is showing someone that they're the one thing that matters in your life. Most importantly love is giving your all without an expectation of anything in return, random hugs and kisses, putting up with countless petty arguments, and making sure that they always know what they mean to you.
Love is a beautiful thing but it is often confused with something far worse, lust. The lust i'm talking about is not necessarily just sexual. People often times love the power they have in a relationship leading them to become abusive, controlling, and manipulative. As humans we tend to believe the words over the actions which pulls us into terrible situations, this happened to me and the only thing I could think was, "maybe he does love me but he doesn't know how to show it." I was wrong, oftentimes I felt like I was being backed into a corner by a venomous snake that I just continuously kept forgiving.
Controlling came first. He started out by not allowing me to talk to certain guys, these guys were my exes so I found this understandable and agreed as long as he did the same. Soon I found out he wasn't doing the same. I no longer could talk to guys at all because he said I had been lying and flirting with an ex behind his back. Now, weeks later, I couldn't talk to certain girls including my cousin's girlfriend because he just "didn't like them." Eventually, he controlled my outfits; every morning before school I had to send him pictures of what I was wearing so he could approve or disapprove. It got to the point where I couldn't even hug my own male family members without him getting angry at me or telling them "that's my girl", he said he was joking but you could tell in those blue eyes of his he truly meant it. I didn't have friends for the most of our relationship because he ripped them all away from me. When I finally gained a friend he cussed and yelled in my face because he didn't want me to go to her house, he even tried to drag me to his car. Controlling was a major issue with us.
Next came abuse. He never slapped me or punched me, the abuse he gave was mostly emotionally and mentally but i'll get into that in a minute. A few times, maybe more than three, I would try to walk away from him due to bursting into tears in a crowded hallway at school and he would grab my arm so tight that he left bruises, he would whisper through gritted teeth that I needed to shut up and I wasn't going anywhere. Emotionally he abused me because every time I got upset he taunted me and told me I had no right. Mentally, mental abuse was the biggest to him, it was like I was a mind game and he was the player. He oftentimes tricked me into feeling like all was my fault. He told me I was just like my mom and I would be nothing more, deep down I knew that wasn't true but once I was repeatedly told the same thing I began to believe him. Sexual abuse became a thing as well, he was my first; we never fucked but we did do other things. At first, I wanted him to and we were fine until I started saying no and he acted like I was joking and kept going. He made me feel like I couldn't be myself, he slowly started shaping me into who he wanted me to be. I had no escape.
I loved him but I soon learned he never once loved me. This boy loved the power he had over me, the power I allowed him to gain although I promised myself I would never let a guy use me that way.
When I finally gained a way out I took it, my next boyfriend helped me with that as well as my current three best friends. The boy who took his place seemed perfect but he only turned out the same. He sexually abused me by making me feel bad and continuously guilt tripped me until I could barely breathe from choking on all my tears. One of the best days of my life turned into one of the worst due to him.
Both these guys I fell in love with yet both fucked me over so why does this happen? Why do the people we love hurt us the most? Why do we trust the evil over the good? Why can I pour my heart out to someone who I for sure thought I meant the world and so much more to only to have it crushed between their fingertips? Every thought shared, every action made, and every word spoken can ruin someone in one second so why do we allow someone to have such power over us?
It doesn't just stop there but oh gosh I sure wish it did. I met someone new, we became friends and slowly decided to start talking. I became sexually involved with him and could feel myself falling in the dark pit I call love. He dropped me, I gave him everything and he dropped me like it meant nothing all because i'm a minor, a fact he didn't mind until it was convenient to use as an excuse.
Back to my original statement, heartbreak comes in all shapes and sizes, you never know what you're gonna get. Don't assume just because he goes to church and acts like a real man that he is. Don't assume that because he was there for you in a time of need that he always will be. Don't assume just because he shows you love the first few months that it's genuine. Guys are heartless but so are girls so dudes take my advice as well because a girl is capable of this just as much as a guy is.
Don't ever let someone hurt you the way I did. Keep a guard up but don't be afraid to fall because not all people are the same. Love yourself before you love another. DO NOT lose hope and never beg for someone's attention or love.
