Thoughts

Entry Number One

All I could think about that night.. was him. And the perfect girl he was with. God, it made me mad.

If only I knew of his feelings before he gave up on me I would have had him!!! If only I knew of my own feelings.. I punched the air with both my fists.

She was just like me. In personality that is. Everything else, she was better at. Hell, she is way cuter than I'll ever be. But there's something about her that makes it seem like she always get what she wants, could it be her looks? I wasn't exactly sure, she seems to get more attention around others, seems more sensitive in a way. Maybe I just hide it too well. I crave the attention she gets. Not just from him, but everyone. Fuck, she's so nice and caring though. Am I not that? I tried to be as nice and caring as possible, but people still seem to forget me. Like, hello people I'm here for you, why didn't you try talking to me when you were apparently crying last night? Then again.. I'm not much help to anyone anyways.

Would anyone even care if I was gone? Surely a few would freak the fuck out if I was suddenly gone. But how long would it take until I'm forgotten? Stop thinking that shit, remember the last time you couldn't stop those thoughts? Yea.. I used to think that stuff all the damn time. Several weeks passed, I was so close to ending it all. But the next night, my school had like a Café get-together thing in the library. That was the night I snapped out of that hellhole. One of my bestfriends texted me and confessed that the previous night- the same night I almost did it- he almost killed himself. I couldn't hold back the tears but I wasn't about to cry my eyes out in front of my friends. We were both feeling hella lonely and sad at the time. That's when we swore we would stay in each other's lives no matter what. He was, and still is, so fucking important to me. Too bad he doesn't talk to me as much anymore. Partly my fault I guess, as I don't really try to spark conversation with anyone anymore, it's always been a hard thing for me to do.

That night in the library, as I was silently crying, a bff of mine suddenly volunteered to go onto the little stage that was set up. She recited a poem she found online. I don't care that she found it somewhere online, it was for me. She said at first she wanted to recite one for her boyfriend but she knew I needed it more at that moment. She spoke of kind words that touched my heart. As she finished, I was still frozen, tears falling down my cheeks from the ongoing conversation I was already having. That night, I snapped out of it. As she walked off the stage, I got up and walked toward her. I lost it. I hugged her so tight and cried so hard...

Thoughts recorded. 7/29/17 around 3:30 a.m.