I watched it happen. i watched my life deteriorate and I did nothing t stop it. Hell with the choices I made I'm sure I probably crushed it more.
its so hard to think positively, you know?
It's hard to see the bright side in situations that have gotten out of control. I feel hollow because of this. Feeling empty hurts, hating people and things hurts.
you want to know what else i feel? i feel like a monster, a selfish greedy, attention whore monster.
Selfish?
because i just want myself to feel good, and I'm starting to careless about others.
Greedy?
because the one person that makes me feel nice probably feels smothered by my need for affection and reassurance that she loves. me
Attention whore?
because people have it worse then i do and I'm sitting here crying every night, hurting, and hating the though of taking another breath. i tell the girl i love all my problems and it helps me, but she's probably sick of my bull shit. she probably doesn't believe what's going on in my life. She probably is getting sick of me.
Monster?
I'm a monster because I can't help myself. I can't change what i have become.
By the way. The person I love is a girl yes, and I am a girl as well.
Note: In my house, with the things i lived through, i grew up far faster then most kids. by age six i had already known how sex worked, i knew what sexual orientation was. i knew about rape, murder, war, pain, and suffering. I knew all to well what drugs were, and how they effected people . So when I found this out, my reaction was that of a scared 15 year old.
I found i was gay when i was like 9-10, i remember it perfectly. I was in class and i was watching some girl named Katie drawing and i got my first crush, i wrote her a note and gave it to her and she kissed my cheek, but we never really spoke much after that.
I remember when i was 11 i got called a faggot for the first time .
i was cleaning the bath tub with bleach and i wasn't scrubbing it right and my grandmother said " you clean like a faggy ( she meant faggot)."
The word struck me as painful, but I'd been used to verbal punishment so i knew not to react. I held in the pain i felt when i was called that, i still can't find it in me to cry over it. It was one of those things that is so painful you can't even cry about.
My first Girlfriend's name was Sydney. We got together when i was 12-13 Honestly while i was in the relationship i cried more then i smiled, but i never told her. She made me hurt more then she made me laugh, but i never told her. I don't think she realizes what was done to me.
I broke up with her the first time using my own strength. But my strength was beaten down by all of my friends telling me how horrible I was for doing it, and how i deserved to feel the pain i was feeling because i left her. That was the worst pain i had felt in a few years. Hearing that i deserved to hurt because i broke up with her, just because her word was held over mine made me sick.
i felt belittled and depressed.
Eventually, i believe it was two days after, i begged for her to take me back. I begged for someone to hurt me, just because i didn't want my friends to leave me, do you realize this? She took me back, she told me that it was okay and that everything could be the same.
The second half of the relationship burnt like hell. Was i using her, maybe, but i think it was a more them fair bargain to her considering she got everything. Hell, i even gave her sex. I always felt gross after touching her, but i felt like i was indebted to her because i thought she was the reason i still had friends. When we kissed it made me feel dirty, i didn't enjoy the feeling, i just felt obligated to do it.
That is what the relationship was; obligation.
Finally, we broke up and every ounce of suicidal energy i had i was quick to use. I cut my thigh up until it hurt to move, I wore a fake smile everyday and i was living on painkillers and any food i could find. That was how i delt with it. I ate until i threw up and cried, and I took five tylonal at a time.
One sleepless night i decided i was done and my first attempt of OD'ing on painkillers made me throw up everything in my stomach and caused my body to short wire for a week or two. I acted like it was the flu so my family would stay away and so that they didn't have to know that in an act of shame i tried to rid of myself.
I'd tried to OD several times after but my bodys immediate response was throwing up. I'd thought about handing myself, infact for months i was obsessed with the idea of handing lifeless from the deck in my back yard.
i was sick. it wasn't healthy at all.
A year passed and i was put into a new school because my dad lost his job. I didn't know any body but i did meet a few people and i tried to make conversation with them, eventually succeeding. That entire year was shit for me though.
From then i went to highschool, and by August 18th i had a girlfriend who till this day is mine. Except for a two week period where we broke up, which by the way hurt a shit load. Like i felt the over whelming desire to just fucking end it.
now life is starting to get worse again..... i don't even know where to begin...
my sister was raped and molested... my house is broken... my heart is broken and the only thing i have left is my songbird... haley i need you don't leave me, please
