Day 1:
It's storming, again. So much rain, so much hail, and thunder. You're 333 miles away, so not terribly far, but it feels far.
It always feels far.
You could be right next to me, but there's always this fatigued, barbed fence that remains up between us.
I reach through on occasions, and about half the time, I've pulled my hand away stained with my own blood and yours.
.
I went to the store today, and I kept finding things that reminded me of you. A small orchid plant, succulents in sale, Brookside, flavored water, gum, flowers, orange lace– I was in tears, it burned me so badly.
.
I'm going into this campus alone. I intend to remain alone the entire time. I thought this would be the one week we'd have to ourselves,, I allowed myself to bloom with this image, this hope, putting all this faith into how this week would be the savior of my entire summer, that all the blood and sweat would even out because of this, and oh how I am lost now. My petals are crushed and my hope has left me, left me to wake up to no one nor sleep in the presence of your heartbeat, your breath.
I cannot, and don't blame you for this, it was out of your control.
What I fear now though, is in my control.
When I fall this low, I seek some sort of comfort. I become desperate.
I wish not to be held by anyone but you, be with anyone else,
but I'm afraid 'anyone else' will become what I sluggishly hunt for at this camp,
I'm already so fragile without you,
I don't want the affection of anyone else,
But 'anyone else' might become what I need this week to prevent me from self destruction.
I digress.
