No Strings

CHAPTER 6--Ghost in the Graveyard

"Look, Betsy, it will get better. Give it another month." What she said last month. "I'm sure you will manage.

A month of staring at a computer screen, wondering if there was a way to run away, but I realized that my snake was held hostage and my bank account was a few states over where she was situated. There was no way I could make a grand escape.

"It's Bess," I said.

"Whatever," she said. She hung up and didn't say anything further. I wondered if the connection cut out. But in some way I knew the truth. She didn't want to hear the argument that I should do anything else besides make her look good for her friends.

My stomach knotted on itself and bile threatened my throat. I could wait one more month. One more month. Tears stung my eyes again and I wiped at my eyes, trying to seem happy.

***

A headache rose around my temples. The words she said wasn't was she'd promised. College was worse. Suicidal thoughts plagued me. No one at the college was like me. Everyone was from the same state with the same values. It was like being surrounded by the Pod People. I had no friends and the classes felt more and more empty to me.

The brick was heating up again. I was past crying.

"I don't want to be here."

"I know if you really give college a chance, you'll like it."

"The classes are boring," I said.

"It's always like that in the beginning," my mother said with that smiling voice. I could hear the sound of the television in the background. "They are your basic classes. You'll get used to it."

"I want to leave," I said trying to choke back a sob.

"Just stay for the quarter. I know you'll like it. Besides, it's a waste of money if you leave. College is where I met your father. So... do you have someone special in mind."

Somehow using that as an excuse sounded so unfeminist. Maybe even sending feminism back a few hundred years. Especially considering their relationship was anything but normal.

"No," I almost snapped, but I knew getting angry would do no good. She always said, "Why are you getting angry at me?" as if she were the victim.

"I'm sure you'll find someone. I'm glad you're doing so well. I have to finish making dinner, later."

The phone clicked before I could explain.

I cried. I felt like I was going crazy.

***

The fake chipper voice was on the phone again. "I got your quarter report and I see some D's on the report card. Bring those grades up. We aren't paying five thousand dollars on tuition for you to fail your classes."

"I want to leave," I said, "I don't like it here."

I stared at the institutional walls. In the movies, the walls would be inching towards me as a symbolism about how a place you hate would literally close on you. I wish the wall would do that, because maybe then I could go to the mental health services and get a permanent leave of absence.

"Look, all you have to do is go to study groups, find one. Doesn't the college have a Learning Center?"

That's where people with learning disabilities went. I was feeling dumber by the second. I meeked out a "Yes."

"Then go. Get those grades up or they'll fail you and you won't be able to go to another college."

"I don't want to go to another college. I don't want to go to college at all!" I said, breaking. My voice broke over the phone. I was crying, but trying to hold it back.