What if I told you that every single word that I spoke has come from past experience. Let me explain. What if I check up on you constantly to see if you're okay because I've lost so many good people because I wasn't there enough. What if I tell you to please don't joke a certain way because it makes me uncomfortable because somewhere along the way it wasn't just a joke. What if I dress a certain way because I'm either not comfortable with my body or I've been told on many occasions I'm not supposed to dress a certain way. What if the redness in my eyes is because I am no longer able to cry because I have torn myself apart telling myself that what I feel isn't important and I have forced myself to take something else out instead of tears, just so I don't show weakness. Maybe I'm so quiet because I've always been afraid to speak my opinion because I've been told many times not to share it or I'd regret it. Maybe the hand gestures show more than just an answer they show that I am scared of saying the wrong thing and losing them, because everyone in my life at this very moment is to valuable to lose. They are pieces of me and I wouldn't be myself without them. And yeah, maybe I don't know who I am or what my purpose is but I know that these people will help me get there. Maybe that's why I'm so terrified to mess up, because even before I met them I thought they were bound and determined to be something I'd never deserve and now that I have them in my life, I have no clue how up act or what to do. So yes, I am afraid. Because there have been so many times, that I've cared so much for someone and they've been taken from me out of the blue, no reason. Just gone, and I'm utterly terrified of that ever happening again.
