Unfortunate Events

Event One: The Bad Beginning

"How are you, my little Teddy Bear?" she cooed, trying to get him to stop wriggling and whining. But he was persistent. The boy kept reaching for Malfoy.

"You have got to be joking," she murmured under her breath.

"Give him here, Granger, before you make him cry again," Malfoy ordered. Without waiting for an answer, he took the young Lupin from Hermione. And just like that, the little storm cloud was all rainbows and sunshine.

Had Hermione entered some kind of alternate universe? Where the good were punished with soaking clothes and meetings on fish mating while arrogant gits like Draco Malfoy were adored by small children and had skin that looked as soft and smooth as cream?

Where was the justice?

Hermione felt a headache coming on. Or perhaps it was a cold. With her luck, she was well on her way to contracting pneumonia.

Hand clutched tightly around her wand, Hermione just barely managed to say, "What are you doing here, Malfoy?"

Draco frowned, obviously not liking the way Teddy was playing with his hair.

"I should ask the same of you. Last I checked, breaking and entering was still a crime."

"I'm here to baby-sit Teddy."

"Oh, didn't my aunt tell you? I'm your replacement."

Huh. That was unlike Andromeda. Normally, she kept Hermione up to date on any change of plans.

"She never told me that," Hermione said.

"Hmm. That's right. I was supposed to tell you. Sorry about that. You know how busy life can be. It must have just slipped my mind."

Hermione released a very undignified snort, inwardly smiling at the disgusted look it drew from the pale man before her. "Busy? Doing what exactly? Collecting interest on your family fortune? Waiting on your house elves to cater to your every whim?"

"Do I detect some sour grapes?"

"Hardly. I would never trade places with you, not for all the galleons in the world."

"I highly doubt that. Then again, I can't pretend to know what goes through that twisted head of yours."

"Twisted?! That's rich. If anyon-"

Hermione stopped. This was pointless. She was almost twenty years old. She was better than this; certainly better than Draco Malfoy.

He leaned in, his left eyebrow arching condescendingly. "Yes?"

Rather than fight Malfoy, she would just ignore him. From the comfort of her warm and very dry home. "Never mind. Teddy doesn't need two baby-sitters. I'll jus-"

"My thoughts exactly." Without warning, Malfoy pushed Teddy into her arms, causing her to drop her wand. Then he walked out the bedroom. Hermione followed him dumbly, only speaking when he stood directly in front of the fireplace. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Going home." He made a show of glancing at his watch, pushing the sleeve of his blazer up so he and anybody else who was looking could see how expensive the time piece was. Or how well-sculpted the muscles in his lower arm were. He really was an egomaniac. "I think by now the house elves have prepared a suitable dinner. I'd certainly hate to be in their shoes if it's not ready. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Don't be ridiculous. You aren't leaving."

After Malfoy had gathered some floo powder, he turned to face Hermione. "When have you ever known me to be ridiculous?'

"You said you would baby-sit Teddy tonight."

"And I did. For the forty-five minutes you were gone. I've more than lived up to my end of the bargain."

"Not by a long shot."

Malfoy tilted his head, brushing back the hair that fell in his eyes from the action. "If I didn't know better, I would think you didn't want to be here...Hot date tonight?"

"I don't have a date. It's j-"

"Of course you don't. What was I thinking?"

She would not roll her eyes.

Perhaps another tactic was called for. One that involved appealing to his massive ego. "Teddy seems to like you."

"Don't sound so surprised. If I had to choose between being held by me or you, I would choose me too."

Strike One.

Maybe an appeal to family?

"Don't you want to get to know your cousin?"

"What makes you think I don't already know him?"

"Please. I visit Andromeda at least three times a month, and I've never seen you."

"Did you honestly expect me to willingly show up when you were here? Who's being ridiculous now?"

Strike Two.

Begging?

"Look, Malfoy, I've had a very bad day. I'm cold, tired, and hungry, and I would appreciate it if you would be a human being for once and watch Teddy tonight. Like you promised Andromeda you would."

Malfoy shrugged his shoulders. "Can't help you. You're on your own."

"Malfoy...please."

"Sorry, Granger. I already have plans."

Strike Three.

Since she was already out, Hermione decided she was done with playing nice.

"How could you possibly have plans? You told Andromeda you would babysit."

"Why do you think I didn't tell you I was coming?"

Hermione's mouth dropped open, and much to her disbelief and annoyance, her eyes were starting to water. Of all the arrogant, presumptuous, foul-

"Chin up, Granger." Then he placed his finger under her jaw and gently closed her open mouth. Hermione was too stunned to move.

"Maybe if you're lucky, I'll stop by tomorrow," he said.

She jerked her head back, unwilling to let the slimy low-life come in contact with her. "Get your bloody hands off me."

"Language, Hermione. I don't want you corrupting my cousin. Speaking of which, you might want to perform a drying spell. I can see through your top."

Then he tossed in the floo powder, stated 'Malfoy Manor,' and disappeared.

Almost twenty years old or not, Hermione stamped her foot. "Stupid Malfoy!"

Teddy, who ever since Malfoy had held him was behaving like an angel, just smiled at her, as if she were playing some game for his amusement.

"It's not funny, Teddy Bear. Your cousin is a bad man, a very bad man."

But Teddy just giggled all the more. And if that weren't horrific enough, the baby's dark brown hair morphed to an alarming shade of pale Malfoy yellow.

Looking down at the blond child, Hermione let out a sigh.

"Sweet Merlin, kill me now."