Irma Illana

Prologue

Tang ina

"SOBRANG fucked up ng pamilya mo no? Buti walang nagmana sa inyo sa tatay ninyo?" Napuno ng halakhak ni Roberto "Bobby" Calimbao ang buong unit ko. It's late at night and we were having coffee in my kitchen. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano kami napunta sa pagkakape. I don't even know why Bobby chose to knock on my door at that moment. Wala akong ideya kung bakit siya nandito pero nandito na siya and he looked so tired and I don't have the heart to tell him to go home. So, I let him in, asked him if he wanted coffee and here, we are.

"Hindi ko rin inaasahan ang lahat ng iyon sa mga magulang namin. Siguro kung hindi matigas ang ulo ko, ako ngayon ang nasa kalagayan ni Teddy Boy."

"Good thing matigas ang ulo mo!" Natatawang wika ko. Natawa siya pero hindi na kasing lakas noong kanina. He took a deep breath and just looked at me. There are emotions in his eyes that I wasn't sure I recognize – sadness – maybe? Malamang. Ikaw ba naman malaman mong lahat ng kagaguhan ng tatay mo para lang ma-kontrol ang buhay ng kapatid mong presidente ng bansa – na halos ikamatay nito. Regret? Maybe because he couldn't do something for his siblings. Si Bonby ang panganay sa magkakapatid na Calimbao pero tulad nga ng sinabi niya mas pinili niyang lumayo sa buhay politika at mamuhay nang tahimik si Amerika. Naiwan sa Pilipinas si Teddy at Tamara. Tamara became the first sister – ang dami niyang resposbilidad na kailangan gawin. Si Teddy naman ay dala sa balikat niya ang lahat ng problema ng bansa. Kahit nga yata sa flat na gulong ng sasakyan, siya pa rin ang sinisisi and then, here's Bobby... he feels all these things and maybe he's too embarrassed or too shy to say anything.

"Are you... do you want to say something, Bobby?" I asked him. Bobby looked at me. His thumb was playing with the cup of coffee in front of him. Again, he sighed and just shook his head. Punong – puno ng pagsisisi ang mga mata niya.

"I should've seen it coming. Dapat may nagawa ako. Hindi ko dapat iniwanan ang mga kapatid ko. I thought everything was fine... I didn't... Tamara... she's..."

"Tamara is my friend. Malakas ang loob noon. Akala mo lang maarte ang kapatid mo pero malakas ang loob noon. Kaya noong mabuhay nang wala lahat ng yamang mayroon kayo."

"Nakaw naman ang mga iyon."

"Exactly! Hindi naman kayo mamamatay magkakapatid kung mawawala sa inyo ang mga iyon. You have your own job. Tamara and Beanca have their own businesses – mga negosyong walang kinalaman sa mga magulang ninyo. Si Teddy, kayang – kayang palamunin ni Cornelia. Wala kang dapat ipag-alala. Sabi mo nga diba. You didn't know. You don't know. Hindi mo kailangan sisihin ang sarili mo pero ngayong alam mo na, dapat may gawin ka na." Natatawang sabi ko pa. Dinadaan ko na lang sa biro si Bobby kasi sa totoo lang hindi ko naman alam ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. Hindi rin ako marunong mag - comfort ng tao. Ang alam ko lang talagang gawin ay kumain habang nakikinig sa problema ng mga kaibigan ko.

Iyon ang role ko sa aming lima – I am always in the background. Nakakatawang isipin na sa aming magkakaibigan ako ang palaging nasa limelight pero sa totoong buhay I'm the one who stays backstage - quiet, steady, and rarely the one people look at.

"Thank you, Irma. Sa totoo lang hindi ako dapat nagpunta rito. I don't even know why I came here in the first place." Napapalatak na lang ako.

"Ano ka ba? Okay lang iyon. Gusto mo pa ba ng kape?" I asked again. Bobby smiled but this time, he looked at his watch and then he looked at me again.

"I'll pass on that. I should get going. It's already three in the morning, may shoot ka pa yata bukas." Sa totoo lang wala naman akong trabaho bukas. I have a week off pero hindi ko na iyon sinabi kay Bobby kasi baka kailangan na talaga niyang umalis. Bobby stood up. "Thank you, Irma. Next time, kapag kumatok ako, may dala na akong pagkain."

"Very good naman kung ganoon." Nginitian ko siya. Siyempre, dahil mabuti akong kaibigan ng kapatid niyang si Tamara ay inihatid ko si Bobby sa may pinto ng condo unit ko. He opened the door and I stood there just looking at him, waiting for him to say his goodbyes. Nasa labas na siya ng unit ko, sa hallway, sa tapat ng pinto ko. Nakapamulsa siya habang nakatingin sa akin. Again, I smiled at him. He sighed.

"I should be leaving."

"I guess so." Nakahawak ako sa hamba ng pinto habang nakatingin ako sa kanya.

"Bye, Irma."

"Bye bye, Bobby." Kumaway pa ako sa kanya pero tulad ng inaasahan ko ay hindi naman umalis si Bobby sa kinatatayuan niya at alam kong kung hahakbang si Bobby papunta sa akin at sabihin niyang hindi na pala siya aalis ay muli ko siyang patutuluyin sa loob. We might do things we shouldn't be doing but at that moment, I couldn't think of anything but that while I should be thinking about that fact that I cannot touch Bobbt because he is my best friend's brother and that might complicate things...

"I'll get going now..." He spoke again. I could only nod at him. I was still staring at him – admiring his rugged face, his full lips, his perfect nose that gives him the pretty boy looks and those deep, brown – eyes that could get me lost while looking at them.

Tang inang mukha iyan! Ang gwapo!

"I really should..." Bobby said again pro imbes na lumakad siya palayo sa akin ay muli na naman siyang naglalakad ng palapit. Bumitiw ako sa hamba ng pinto at lumakad rin palapit kay Bobby. We stopped just in time, our distance was close enough to feel dangerous, close enough that one more breath would've tipped us over the edge. And in that sliver of space between us, I felt it, that sharp, overwhelming pull to kiss Bobby, a want so fierce it burned through my chest and left me trembling with the effort to hold myself still.

Palapit nang palapit ang mukha ni Bobby sa akin. I guess he was asking for permission, so I nodded my head and just like that Bobby's lips were on mine and he was kissing me with so much gusto. Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong nangyari sa akin. Hindi naman ito dapat mangyari but I guess at this moment, mas matimbang sa akin ang kagustuhang pagbigyan ang sarili ko.

So, I kissed Bobby with the same intensity he gave me, my mind going blank under the weight of pure wanting. All I knew in that moment was the urge for this kiss to deepen, to pull him closer, to feel the certainty of being wanted by him. I wanted him to kiss me like I was the only one he saw. Because the truth was simple and overwhelming: I wanted Bobby—no one else, nothing else, just him...