for him.
I don't remember exactly when it started, but it hasn't stopped. It's been months, at least. The reason I'm putting in words is because it just recently got worse.
So, so much worse.
Perhaps it was when we were taking the chairlift up for the second time that day. My head was in your lap, my skis dangling off the side of the lift. I was making obnoxious noises and weird, probably horrifyingly hideous faces at you, and you laughed. You pressed your goggles against mine and said, "You're so weird, I love you." I know in every cheesy love story, they say shit like, "And my heart sped up..." or "Suddenly I wasn't cold anymore." I hate to conform to stereotypes and be a corny piece of shit, but if I'm going to be completely honest, both of those things happened. I smiled with chapped lips and said, "Aw, I love you too!" in an overly saturated, sarcastic voice. Just to make sure you didn't know I meant it.
I totally, completely, painfully meant it.
It could've been only minutes after that, when we were skiing down through the park and you sat on a rail and slid down on your butt. You fell at the end, and I followed your path, falling on top of you. You simply pulled me closer, refusing to let go. Not that I was struggling. We sat there, snow slowly seeping through our pants, until each of us were cold and wet.
While it was a little bit of both of those moments, it was the rest of that same day that made me realize. Yes, I'm fairly certain it was in the lodge, for hours upon hours. It was a Friday, and we skipped school and went up early in the morning. It was the least crowded I'd ever seen it, with 30 or 40 people on the entire mountain. We spent the rest of the day in tired, peaceful bliss, and while at first we simply ate and sat a foot or so apart, that changed with time.
You curled up to my side, your head on my stomach and my back flat on the floor. My knees bent over your thighs, and my hands carded through your hair for hours. I twirled, combed, pulled, and mussed your curls until your hair was soft and had no knots, and even then I continued. We shifted occasionally, one of us scaling the stairs to get another bucket of fries or a brownie. Whoever got the food would return, and we'd eat, sometimes feeding each other like the sappy losers that we are. You got ketchup on my nose, and you laughed until I bumped noses with you and smeared it on your face. I just laughed harder when you rubbed it on my over sized white outer shirt, staining the sleeve red. My thumbs went under your eyes and the rest of my fingers splayed out on your cheeks, framing your face. Our noses and foreheads touched, and we just looked at each others (very similar) green eyes for a long time. Looking back on it, that was disgustingly cheesy and also kind of adorable, but at the time I was trying my best not to think about what was happening and to just enjoy it.
On the bus down, you slumped onto my chest and my arms encircled your shoulders. I buried my nose in your hair, and it smelled like you. You smell good, if you were wondering. Clean. A little bit like home I guess. I could feel my heart beating, but unlike earlier, it was beating at a normal pace. God, it's so easy being around you but so hard not being with you when we're together. I have your Instagram logged into my phone, I know your parents and all your siblings (even your dog and cat) and I have your phone password in my notes. We have the same music taste, and we often send each other songs to listen to. I fucking love you so much, and not even in the way people say to their boy/girlfriend or crush, but I love you as a human. You're good, and kind, and funny. You're my best friend, and you mean the world to me.
So although you won't see this, I wrote this for you.
