I met Her last summer, right when I had just started to feel okay. Now I can see that it was just like any other story, where you meet someone who makes you feel like the most powerful person in the universe, and like the smallest insect, accidentally crushed under that person's foot. Everyone must know the paradox that is what you feel towards that person, mustn't they? Right now, I see that it makes less than no sense; but during those moments, I just felt. I am only human after all, not created to analyse everything; at the time when all I felt was that I wanted to be with her forever, and I wanted her to disappear.
The paradox extended to many things all at once. Wanting her to look only at me, while begging any God, who may be concerned with my misfortunes, to not let her see. In this world, it seems that we don't want that person to see: want it more desperately than we want that person. But wanting something more than that person - in those moments it seemed impossible.
I remember wanting her to touch me, too vehemently to care whether she touched my hand or my face, or something else entirely, but I remember hoping at the same time that she would never feel my heart running away on the spot, attempting to rip itself into strips whenever the back of her hand touched mine.
Each night, every day, I had dreamt of breathing all that I felt towards her into her ear; shutting my eyes and clenching my jaw, asking her mutely to not hear my breathing hitch; to not hear the silent promises I had screamed at her soundlessly, that I wished she had heard, but I hoped she hasn't. I had said a lot of things to her that she never heard and she never will.
I wished on anything one can wish on, on stars, on eyelashes, on the number on the clock for her to, one day, tell me that she loves me, that she wants me, that she needs me, that she wishes to spend all her life with me; but most of all I wished for her not to say anything at all. So that she can be happy and I can wait hopelessly for something that will never happen.
She made me feel everything and nothing at all; the everything trying to escape from the depths of me, where all my feelings lie; the nothing showing on my face, with only drops of love leaking out from under my eyelids, which held back the oceans of adoration.
Now, all of this that I felt towards her has evaporated, thanks to time; though I feel it all still. I hope now, for her not to feel any of what I felt; but feel it every day of her life.
