Broken Strings || Niall Horan [AU]

08 | demons

"I'm walking you home whether you like it or not," he says adamantly, and though I'm still certain he'd prefer to just go straight back to his decrepit house, rather than walk me all the way across town, I can't help but oblige. "Now, if you'd just show me the way," he suggests, and I burst into laughter. 

"That way," I chuckle, pointing. Nodding once, Niall turns on his heel, and begins to walk in the correct direction. 

We move in silence, at first, and my thoughts consume me once more. I begin to think about what would be different, right now, if I had succeeded in killing myself. If Niall hadn't picked up his guitar and I'd thrown myself off that cliff, smashing into the rocks below. For one, Niall wouldn't be out right now, the sun on his cheeks and summer in the air around him; he'd be curled up on his filthy mattress, his eyes squeezed shut, trying to block out the darkness around him but undoubtedly being faced with the darkness in his mind. 

Next I think of my mother, and how she'd be feeling right now after completing her first day in nineteen years as a childless woman. She'd most likely be in tears, downing glass after glass of red wine, passing out on the sofa and falling helplessly to the floor. She'd wake up tomorrow, her throat dry and her heart empty, surrounded by spilt wine and a heavy sense of loneliness. Maybe she, too, would decide that life is not worth living anymore. Maybe she'd meet the same fate as her daughter. 

Suddenly, I feel so unbelievably selfish that I want to rip my own hair out. How could I ever have resorted to taking my own life? After all, tonight I've been perfectly content. Did I really believe that life was so horrible, so cruel, so damn hard that it was worth quitting altogether? Or did I simply, in the sadness and fear of the moment, want the pain to simply stop? 

Well, it has sure stopped now, and I guess I have Niall to thank for that. I look up at him, taking him in: his bony, freckled arms; his thick, soft hair; his loose red t-shirt and the way his hands are hidden inside the empty pockets of his jeans. Thank you, Niall, I think to myself. Thank you for existing. 

He notices me looking and catches my eye; his crystal blue orbs are glinting in the fading light, his smile charming and endless. I look away, but I can feel him staring, and when he looks away too, I can't resist another glance. This goes on for a number of minutes; him catching my eye, me shyly turning my face, then looking back to find him turning his face, too. 

The sun is slowly setting and the familiar blanket of night is gradually descending upon the city. The air is becoming cooler, so I pull the sleeves of my jumper down over my wrists, hugging myself tight. As we walk through the city streets, me softly directing Niall where to go, I feel an overwhelming sense of calm. 

The calm before the storm, perhaps. But no. Because nothing on Earth could possibly ruin this night. 

We arrive at my house and Niall pulls me into a safe and warm embrace. My head fits perfectly beneath his chin, and I rest it against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I never want to let go; I can't remember the last time I shared such a long, wonderful hug with someone. This feels good and it feels right, our bodies fitting perfectly together like a perfect jigsaw puzzle, his arms wrapped around me, holding me close as night gently falls around us. 

After what seems like hours -- though it is really just minutes -- we pull back. The world around us is dark now, streetlights on, stars twinkling overhead. I tilt my head back, trying to find constellations, and when I lower my gaze again, I find that Niall is staring at me.

"I need to tell you something," He says softly. "I mean, I need to do something." He takes a hesitant step forward and tilts his head closer; putting one hand on my back, he leans in. Then, before I can even process what's happening, he presses his lips to my cheek. Seconds later he pulls away, taking a small step backwards. His gaze never leaves mine.