Hannah's pov
Isn't it crazy how one thing can affect the way you live? By having no friends, no one trusting you, everybody disgusted with you. Isn't it amazing?
I can't even walk through the halls without getting stared down by everyone. It's terrible. It's actual living hell for me. I walk to my locker and put my face in trying not to cry. I feel knots in my throat wanting me to throw up because I'm so nervous. I can't step into class without someone judging me. Can't even walk home without someone calling out my name. Someone cat whistling at me. It's honestly terrible.
Everyday I try to find a reason, just one reason to not end it. I can't find one, so I just drown my pain with out of date prescription pills and a drink. Each morning I open my cabinet, take out some random pills, have the pill with water, put the pills back, look at the time,grab my bag, and walk out the door. My parents are still sleeping when I'm getting ready for school. They don't know half the shit that's been done to me. They won't find out. Well, that's what I thought.
Back in junior year of high school, I had a boyfriend (who will be nameless until I am comfortable saying who it is) who I thought loved me. I was subconsciously in love with him still. All I wanted to do was talk to him; make him fall in love again. He told me he would only come back to me under one condition. I had to send a topless picture of me to every single person in his contact list on his phone. I did it. My picture went out to colleges, my high school, other high schools, junior high schools, elementary schools, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, you name it, it went to them.
It's been three days since I sent the photos and I couldn't face my school. I was petrified to show my face in the hallways, to any teacher, to my principal! I was scared.
At this point, I wanted to give up. I knew there was more to life and that I should move on, but how can you when a picture that was so private to you is now on everybody's device? So, all I do is take pills. I drink my dads stash of alcohol if I'm lucky.
I was petrified to walk the halls alone, nobody wanted to walk with me. Not even my own sister. My parents couldn't even look at me. It's a scary thought to know that now something that was once yours, is now everybody's.
It gets worse. My best friend Luke. Luke Hemmings. I knew him since third grade, we practically grew up together, he couldn't even look at me. He tried sitting with me at lunch to make me feel better, but this was our conversation.
Luke- "Hey, Hannah. How has your day been?"
Me- "Luke, I know you saw the damn picture. Don't act so innocent!" And then he shook his head and walked away leaving me alone. I lost someone who meant so much to me and now I can't even get him back.
Boys are constantly looking at me now making me uncomfortable. They are always telling me "So, wanna smash?" Like what the hell does that even mean? I'm sorry, am I that uneducated to not know what 'wanna smash means?'. Yes, I missed school because I couldn't stop crying. I cried so much that I at least lost a pint of water in my body in four days. I couldn't live with this pain anymore, it kept getting worse inside me. Not until I met him.
He (who will also remain nameless) made it seem like nothing has never happened to me. He didn't care what I did, he found that my personality was amazing. He liked me for who I was. And there, that damn smile, that smile he had made it so irresistible to not fall for him. His green eyes made it hard to not want to get lost in them. His hair made it so tempting to just run your fingers through. His lips made it seem like kissing could be so easy. His pronunciation of words made it seem so easy to speak. He made my life worth living. I found that not ending my life was better. I could get through this. You just need a little hope.
a/n currently 5 am listening to a thunderstorm that just ended
