Emotional ranting

ranting

I don't know how long I can tell people that I'm fine.

I'm not fine, I'm the furthest thing from fine.

I feel broken, I am tired of being in pain.
I don't know how I feel anymore because I really don't want to feel anything at all.

I am tired of always being in pain and not be able to act like a normal teenager.

I mean how many teenager is looked in their rooms because they don't know if they will be able to handle a day out with their friends and stays away from their family because they knows that they causes them pain because of the way they are.

I spend almost all my time studying things that I don't even understand, just so that i can get a further education so that I can get a job and so that my parents don't have to worry about me.

I hate that i worry everyone but I can't do anything about it because I'm not strong enough to be up and walking a whole day without collapsing in my bed in pain.

Everyone wants me to be up and running everyday but what they don't understand is that I don't have the strength to do that. It takes me all my power just to get through the day even if I just lay in bed for the most part when i'm not in school. 

I want to get better, I really do but I can't do it alone and I am to stubborn to ask for help.
I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.