Random Writings and Thoughts

Dancing With The Flame

In the middle of the night, you are all I think about. Not because I love you or that I hate you, because I do not love nor hate you.

It was early December when we met. We talked on the phone that night, and in that moment, I knew you were about to be a wrench in my life plan.

As the weeks passed and we grew closer, I got attached to you. I wasn't sure if my feelings for you were platonic or romantic. I believe now that they could have been both or even neither. But when you told me that you liked me, they- whatever they were- became romantic.

It was while you were getting ready for a concert that you asked me out. I, being a young and naive teenager, said yes.

While the months went by, I fell for you. And I, at the time, believed you had fallen for me. You swore up and down that you loved me and could never live without me.

You, my friend, are an awfully good liar.

But it was in my sixth period study hall that you broke me. You told me that you didn't know why, but you wanted to be single. You claimed you never wanted to put me in this position, but there you were, doing just that.

I began to cry, right there in class. I cried in front of people, something I promised myself I'd never do again.

You said we could still be friends, though I was not so sure. For days on end I had to be doing something to keep you off my mind, or I'd be haunted by the memories of you taking my picture while I wasn't looking. The memories of you singing a stupid love song and connecting it back to us. The memories of whispering "I love you's" in the middle of the night because we didn't want to wake our families.

For days on end I was checking myself in the mirror or the camera of my phone to make sure it was not obvious I had been crying. It was an endless loop of convincing myself not to listen to the songs that had made me fall harder for you. It was a viscous cycle of trying to not beg you to come back.

And then, as I got dressed for gym class, I realized that if you had ever truly loved me, you wouldn't have left and never looked back the way you did.

It was like falling out of a tree while climbing down. It starts off good, yet you're nervous about falling. And then all of a sudden you're hurdling towards the earth and when you hit the ground, the wind is knocked out of you. When you stand up, you realize you're okay and you got to the bottom nonetheless.

I had gotten over you. I had danced with the flame, believing I was the water to put it out, and been surprised when I had embers blown into my face.

But in that moment, I realized that it had been I that had been the flame all along. And that you were the rocks, crushing everyone and everything in your path.

I got myself together, leaving the feelings for you in the past, but keeping you in my present.

And I think about you late at night, remembering all the good times we had, but keeping in mind that we had been doomed from the start.