I am confused. I'm writing to relive stress, to figure myself out. This is for me to look back on later and hopefully laugh at how naïve I was and how everything is ok now. Yeah, hopefully. I thought I'd start with a simple life assessment and then maybe make chapters dedicated to certain topics. even proof reading this now is embarrassing oh my Jesus fuck. ok anyways to the self assessment..
I'm a very lucky kid. currently I'm 14 and in 8th grade. I was born into a middle class family in a town on long island in New York. I have two sisters and a mom and dad. compared to others I am lucky. I notice when I go to other's houses, their parents frankly have worse parenting skills then my own parents. Both my parents have very well paying jobs and always support me and my sister's activities, especially my mom. When I was younger, around kindergarden, I was a brignt cheery kid. a quote I would use to describe that "age" of my life would be "Ignorance is bliss". I didn't have a care in the world. I had many friends who today I would rather not hang out with. I would say I was popular in that time. the kids I hung out with then are not my friends today. I was so oblivious to stereotypes and society's merciless disease. when I was older- about 3rd grade- that's when I noticed and realized that, contrary to the constitution, every man is not created equal. I drifted from the rest. I often wore just tank tops and shorts unlike the other girls who were discovering brand clothing and rindstone. At the time friend groups were starting to take shape. the nerds, jocks, pretty girls and the out casts. I'd say I was friends with the pretty/popular girls but also friends with the nerds. I was still pretty unaware that I was any different then any of the other girls but I was starting to get a hint that I was looking different then the rest. also at this time all the other kids started studding on their own. To put it short, I was failing math all because I didn't study my multiplication tables. I have no one but myself to blame for my struggle at math. I was far behind the other kids. At the end of fourth grade my elementary school closed and I was separated from literally all of my friends. It was rough, but I managed to make friends with a small group of people. my friend group wasn't super popular but then again we weren't losers. up until about a few months ago I still hung out with them. Around that time I looked like a mess. I was all greasy hair-tomboy. I absolutely loved animals and was constantly trying to prove that I knew the most about them. In fifth grade I was very well aware that I was different and didn't meet society's standards of attractive. I had long, thin, greasy light brown hair and I was-and still am- fat. I remember looking at all the popular, skinny girls and wishing I could be them so badly. (Oh how the tables have turned..) when I transferred up to the middle school it was practically the same old thing. Pretty much the same friends except for the few who broke off to join the more popular groups. I relied on my friends a lot then and were very close to them. we would always go to after-school clubs and events together, It was a fun time. Of course I still never studied and got put in a extra math class that I never payed any attention in. At the end of the year I was left with no honor level classes and another extra math class. In seventh grade I still never studied but some how qualified for the honors level science class by asking my teacher for a recommendation. I also started to clean myself up a bit. I started to wear cleaner and more trendy clothes and also fix my greasy hair problem. as better as my wardrobe and personal hygiene got, I developed severe acne. I was weird and couldn't stop popping pimples on my face. eventually, it spread everywhere. My acne was a huge setback and I lost more of my already below-average confidence. as for my friends who were already wearing makeup, I grew a little distant from them. They'd often hangout together without me and I'd get really jealous and angry but of course would never how it. I don't think I had a true best friend at the time, only those close friends and some distant acquaintances who I was friendly with. the extra math class actually did help a bit and I made my first step forward. It didn't mean much in the moment but I somehow got out of extra math classes and was a regular regions math kid. my grades were actually decent for once. Eighth grade was the biggest leap of change in my life so far. I can't even begin to explain the change because frankly I'm still going through it. Eighth grade started awesome. I sat at a table with really popular girls and dressed in the most trendy, brand name outfits ever. I was finally starting to fit in and traded my improved studies for popularity, a decision I still resent to this day. Deep inside I was a different person though. deep inside I was the person who I am- and are still becoming- now. Then suddenly, bang. the trigger to my transformation was pulled when a bomb of reality was relentlessly passed to me by what I thought was my uprising. I got rejected from the National Junior Honors Society and it was all my own fault. I didn't know what I expected from not studying but I was sure I'd make it some way. I cried in the office of my guidance counselor as she broke the news to me. Failure is y greatest fear but this self disappointment was much more painful. I swore I'd never let myself forget this pain. I had officially hit rock bottom and now there was only one way to go and that way is up! I studied like my life depended on it. I've finally realized that my grades in school now is a representation of my future later on. I had plans to become a vet and was sure as fuck not going to back down now. the going got extremely tough balancing all my studies and after school activities. then I found my savior...music. music was the much needed pain relief, music was the fuel to my fire, music kept me sane and determined. Certain songs helped me through a tough night's homework or a stressful pre-math exam study session at 12am. When I slipped music never let me forget the pain I originally felt that day I got rejected. Music was the force that drove my change, the gunpowder behind the bullet of redemption. I cut off all my new popular friends and only talked to my best friend at the time who went to a different school district. I no longer hung out every weekend but rather studied and got my shit together. I dug deeper inside myself and brought out who I really was. I no longer wore all the lavish outfits but rather sweat shirts and leggings. Looking from the outside in, you'd think I was really going downhill. however, it was at this time where I was-and still am- at my strongest state. I grew up very quickly and soon stopped envying the popular, skinny girls and realized that popularity has a limit and after high school being popular would be meaningless. Others think I had fallen into depression with my ear buds in all the time and constantly skipping lunch to go sit in the library by myself but oh-no they were wrong. I liked that feeling. That feeling of being above someone on an entirely different level they don't even know about makes me feel above average for once in my life. However, my change is far from over. My grades are just starting to raise,very painfully slow. there's a lot of shit I still need to sort out but that's why I write!
