Loving You Is Hard

 Loving You Is Hard

I am nervous, so nervous. My hands are sweating. My feet are sweating. Parts of me that I didn’t even know that can sweat are sweating, and i don’t know what to do. My stomach hurts, and I can’t breathe. There’s an enormous pressure on my chest that I cannot lift.

I’ve been waiting for a long time, I’ve been in line for almost eight hours, just to audition for the xFactor. I’m finally here, I can finally do something to try to make my dream come true. The song I’ll be singing will be very special for me, I really hope they say yes. I’m going to cry anyway, I’m sure of it. If they say yes, I’ll just be so happy that I won’t be able to contain it and tears of joy will fall down while I’ll be bearing a big bright smile. If they say no I’ll cry as well, I don’t think I would be able to stay there with a smile while knowing my dream just came down to peaces, that the judges in front of me took apart a life that I always thought of as the only one I would be happy in.

Yeah, this is kind of a big deal for me, singing is my greatest passion, I don’t think my life would have a meaning if I wasn’t able to sing. Also, I have never found something that interests me as much as singing, actually I said that wrong. A lot of things catch my eye, but none of them make me as happy as singing does, I know that as a singer I would never complain about waking up. Singing is something that wouldn’t bother me if I had to do it on holidays. Being a singer is my golden dream, I just hope I’m good enough to make it.

If I do make it to the xFactor, it’ll be so much easier from there. Even if I don’t win, or get to the final stages, just by appearing on the xFactor, you are putting yourself out there. People see you, managers see you. You’re likely to make it. You are likely to at least get your 15 minutes of fame, it’s up to you if you make it big time.

Fame is not important for me, though. The money I don’t think is that important either. I mean, sure, it’s a great plus for the job, but if you asked me to name the top 5 thing in the job, I don’t think the money would be in it, nor the fame.

I do want to clarify what fame means for me. Fame is important when you look at it this way: I’ve always wanted to make a change in this world, a change that will benefit it. Fame means being heard, people look up to you, people follow your footsteps. That is a great deal of pressure, you need to know how to manage it, but also, if you do things right you’ll give a positive impact, and most importantly, a huge positive impact. 

I would want to change a lot of things, or at least support causes that I believe in. For instance, gay marriage. I very strongly believe that everyone is equal, no matter their gender, skin color, race, sexuality, etc. And also because I’m gay myself. A proud 16 year old gay boy.

Only about 10 people are before me, that means only about 20 minutes to practice and to prepare myself, I’ve been vocalising for hours and my voice is now strong and steady, but I feel like if I stop it will be as bad as it is when I wake up. Again I sing my song loudly but not too loud, just so that I can hear myself over the noise, and the other people practicing, of course.

I try to think about all the reasons why im doing this, I try to talk myself into deciding not to cry if they say yes, and I know, yeah, I don’t even want to not cry, i just know I’m going to. I try to think that if I get in, I will get to do what I love.

“You’re gonna do just fine” my grandmother says “you sing beautifully, and you know that, you’re just here to show them that, you already know you’re mazing”

I had forgot Grandma was there! I’m so nervous that I can’t think of anything but the competition.

I love that she says that, it makes me feel much better, but still, I don’t believe it completely, I am not sure I sing good. A lot of people have told me, but this is serious, this is a competition in which only people with talent get in. I’m here not only to try to win, but I’m also here because I want a professional opinion on my singing.