The Fic to end all fics

A spicy start

Sci made his way through King's Cross station, his two best friends Ez and Myttin walking alongside him. As he approached 9 3/4, he picked up speed, and ran ahead...into the wrong fucking pillar. "Ah, fuck!" he said, pain racing through his right hand, which was his favorite. Ez laughed, approaching him to help him up, grinning. Before he could thank Ez, three loud, obnoxious laughs rang out. Hearing them made sci wanna off himself more than usual. The laughs came from Salem, Haj, and Jahz. "Not them! Haj knocked down my lunch tray last year, and I have not been the same since!" Myttin said. Haj, Salem, and Jahz were known throughout hogwarts and were pretty popular for...various reasons. Jahz was a mythic bitch who would expose anyone she needed to, while salem tended to be the comedic relief who held down the kids that Haj, the "school shooter" of the group, would punch. Alone, none of them had exactly discernible personalities, but created chaos wherever they went, and Sci looked up to and feared them at the same time. Sci had shared a dorm with haj for the past 5 years as a slytherin, and was ready to take a leap of faith off the golden gate bridge. "Hey Sci! What'd your boyfriend say when you told him you were leaving him to go to hogwarts again?" Haj said, inducing laughter and praise from salem and Jahz. Sci rolled his eyes, and glared at haj. "What'd your mom say when you told her you'd shot up an entire school of magic!" sci shot back. "Sci, anger is not a good way to fight the unholy words of the sinful" Myttin said, dragging him away. "They're just lame assholes" said Ez, calming sci down as they walked away.

As Sci and the rest of his unholy threesome boarded the train, they made sure to stay away from Haj, Salem, jazz, and Ducky, the school furry. Myttin went to sit with the prefects, and Ez with his girlfriend Livi. Sci was left alone to find a seat. He panicked, and sat next to a girl who was in his year and house. All he could see was her hair, and she looked fairly pretty...until she turned around. "Hi!!!!!mY nAmEs VannA rawrrrrr xDDDD" she said, adjusting her anime cat ears and smudging her eyeliner blacker than Haj's heart. Sci's heart felt like it was filled with...moths?? He would not allow himself to be turned on by this girl. She was probably a furry, and if he liked her, did that mean...he was a furry? NO, it was one time at camp! One time! that's the only furry like- fuck it, nevermind, he tried to clear his mind and focus on something else. How do I flirt?? ski thought. "Haha, my name's sci and I like turtles!" he said. Good good he thought. "They remind me of my animal fetish!" he sputtered. GOD FUCKNIG DAMNTI I HATE MYSELF he thought. He stared out the window, hoping this romance would end well.

In the other car, Haj, Salem, and jahz were getting bored of talking shit about people who had better morals than them. "Let's go see what Sci's up to" salem suggested, and haj agreed. "I'm staying here, I am sick and tired of your lameass white boy school sh-" jazz said, stopping herself before haj killed her. "fineee, but hold my flower crown of dead birds, it's only half eaten" said haj, as he and salem made their way to go damage sci further. Before they made it to his train car, they saw their friends Jur and Liz getting some serious face to face action in another car. "Jesus fuck, they're getting more tongue action than a frog in a field of like, flies" salem said as haj laughed and began recording them. Haj stopped recording when he heard footsteps behind him. "hey, meat papa" said Ducky, stroking haj's neck with his irregularly long and bony fingers. "Hey, ducky" haj said, used to this bullshit. Ducky pushed salem out of the way, and held a drink up to haj. "take a fuckin sip, babes" he cooed. "What the- dCUk St-" haj said, before ducky forced an odd blue liquid down haj's throat. "JESUS FUCK, YOU'VE ALREADY TRIED TO KIDNAP HAJ 5 TIMES THIS YEAR DUCKY, GET OVER IT" Salem said, exasperated. "hReEEEE" ducky garbled, retreating into the dark as the Hogwarts express pulled into the station, and as everyone prepared for an interesting year.