Demons (A TØP fan fiction)

Living is Impossible, Dieing is Simple

Why am I here. Why should I stay. What good is there for me. Do I have a point to living. Why am I here.

These thoughts are racing through my mind, and I don't want them to. I wish they would just go away. I want them to leave me alone. I wish I just thought like a normal person. 

They make me feel a feeling that is nearly impossible to describe in words.. I feel like I'll never feel joy again. I feel like I am dieing on the inside

I feel like there is a giant weight sitting inside of me. It is pulling me down, further and further, through an infinite and dark hole. I'm trying to climb myself out, but everytime I try, the weight grows heavier and pulls me in further. I am so far from the top now that I can't see any light. 

There is no hope for me. There is no light. It's all darkness.

Why don't I just end it all. I won't have to feel this way anymore. I will be better off anyways.

The thought sticks like glue in the front of my rushing mind much longer than any of my other thoughts. I consider it for a while. 

If I were to leave, I wouldn't be stuck in this never ending hole anymore. I wouldn't be constantly pulled down by this weight, which is probably one million pounds by now. I could abandon all these thoughts. I could abandon this dark place I'm in. I can just leave.

Usually when people think of leaving, they are reminded of all the great reasons they have to live. The weight becomes lighter and they can see a light again. Hope. 

But no matter how hard I tried, I was too far down this hole. I couldn't think of a reason I had for staying in this dreadful land we call Life.

Leaving would be a great idea. It can't be that hard. Just a knife, maybe a gun, right through my head, killing all of these thoughts that haunt me during sleepless nights like this one right now.

A big smile grows on my face. A smile. I haven't smiled this big in such a long time. It filled up my empty face with some brightness. I don't know why, but for some reason, the thought of death was comforting. Being reminded that one day, this weight, the hole, these thoughts, will all be gone. They will just disappear. I could be happy again.

Happy was a word that sounded alien  to me. I haven't been happy in a long time. It's a feeling that picks up the weight and throws it far away. You are so light all of a sudden, you feel like you can fly. Can happy people fly? 

At least that's what I remember. I haven't felt that in what feels like ages. 

All I can think of now is death. 

The word, the thought, the image, it repeats itself in my mind. I could do it so easily.

Living feels almost impossible, but dieing seems so simple. 

So many thoughts. So many to go through. One thought branches off into more small and more detailed thoughts. Like a giant tree. My mind is the trunk, and all of the throughts are branches.

I want to dive deeper into this thought of death. It's a dark pool that's pulling me in. The weight is dragging  me down it, but I actually like it this time. I want to explore this thought instead of hide from it.

But suddenly I hear a voice in the middle of all these thoughts. The throughts all stop in their tracks, and quit moving so quickly. It was a different sound than all of my thoughts. My thoughts sounded harsh and hurtful. This new voice sounded gentle and comforting.

"Tyler, it is getting quite late, you should really just sleep and relax a bit."

It was such a calming whisper. It was like a cool and refreshing breeze  in the middle of a hot summer day, or a patch of bright and warm sunlight emerging from a sky cluttered with dark clouds. It sounded like it cared for me and my life.

A few seconds ago, I wanted to think more about the idea of  death. Now I want to listen to this gentle voice that I just heard.

"Okay." I softly whisper as a reply. From there I close my eyes and I drift off into sleep. The thoughts all begin to vanish in thin air  as I fall deeper into sleep. It's taking me away from the bad thoughts.

But I can still feel the weight inside of me, it hasn't gone away. It will probably remain there for a while. It will only be removed if I can somehow experience true happiness again, or I go to sleep permanently.