Dear Sydney

This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go. I have written countless of endless letters dedicated to you but there is nothing I have to say that will ever be good enough. So I’m gonna make this as short as I can and just flat out admit things... I have really missed you Sydney. And I know I deserve to feel some sort of pain because of everything I put you through. I'm not gonna try to make up any excuses or defend myself. Besides the fact that I was just afraid of you. I was afraid of the way you made me feel. And I know that none of this may matter to you now but it still does to me. I am truly sorry Sydney. I'm sorry if I hurt you and I'm sorry for taking so damn long.

You were such a big part of my life, I hope you do know that. It has been pretty hard for me to let you go. I still havn't completely but I'm hoping writing this to you will help somehow. I think the main reason I have been having a hard time is because I'm not ok with how we left things. I never got to truly apologize to you and it kills me everyday. I feel kind of embarrassed now that I couldn't have maned up sooner and apologized to someone who literally lives frickin right next door. So now I guess is finally time. I need to let you go. I can't keep doing this to myself, I needed to say something to you even if you can't forgive me.

I rememeber when we first started to actually talk to each other. There was something about you that I just liked. You were different and made me feel like I wasn't alone. You understood me in most ways other people couldn't comprehend. It was just so easy to talk to you. God it just has been so, so long Sydney… but at the same time it feels like just yesterday we were swinging on my swing set or sitting in Tori’s driveway making Airplane Survival Diaries. Ever so often songs like Hurt by Johnny Cash or Paradise by Coldplay will come on and it makes me think of you and the old days. The years have been passing by and I’m beginning to forget more and more each day about what actually happened between us. It almost seems silly, if you know what I mean. There were many things that I wished I could talk to you. There were times that I wanted to text or Kik you. I would see you once in a while at school and I would think about saying “hi” but I always stopped myself and looked away. It really hurt to do that you know but I thought it would hurt worse to be rejected by it.

I have grown so much as a person these past few years because of you. And because of you I'm a different person and so are you. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. So there was a reason we were supposed to be friends at that time and there was a reason we had to go our seprate ways. Because of this I now realize to never take anything for granted. You should never hurt the person who loves and cares about you because you might wake up one day and realize you lost the moon counting the stars. And because of this you have grown too.

I’m very thankful to have had someone like you in my life. You are an important part in my story and I don’t know if I’ll ever have what we had with someone else. I still want to see you happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you from the beginning and I hope  good things will come to you. If you are happy then I am happy, even though we aren’t friends anymore. You also have her, I can tell she makes you happy and I hope things go well for the two of you. You deserve it, you deserve to live the life that you want to live.

I'm still growing and learning, so I can't say that I'm unhappy with everything that has happened. You were a part of my life I will never forget but I need to stop dwelling on the past and on the things I can’t change. I hope you can at least somewhat forgive me because I know after this year I won't be seeing you much since you graduated. Oh and congrats on graduating from high school which may or may not have been living hell for you. Either way it's still a big accomplishments. I wish you luck with your future. 

-me