Default Title - Write Your Own

I Will Survive

My mum told me once when we were talking, and I try to avoid conversations like this, but she told me to be careful. She told me that love can be the most painfully exhilarating, brutally beautiful thing, that it allows for so much yet in the same breath can crush your chest, taking the same breaths that you breathe only for that person.

And the worst thing is when you feel all of that all at once, sitting on your bed in your room and you never knew the words, "I like somebody else," could be so weighted with crushing sorrow. Instant tears, unable to reply you practically crawl towards the door, trying to get to the one person that you hope can take away the pain, to get away from your phone. That same phone that lights up your life when you get a text from that same person, the phone at this point is the enemy. Crying on the person you are trying to will into taking away the pain, yet they insist this kind of pain is personal to you only, not one they are able to erase. But they wish they could. The headache that looms over from the salty tears still running down your puffy cheeks, from the myriad of questions dominating your mind, from the words in your mind, the chanting. "They aren't yours anymore."

You feel that same pain when you see them around, when your throat closes up and your heart lurches every time you make eye contact with them. When you see them gripping their phone, with wild eyes, worrying about the other person. The one they swear they love after only one day, how can such a short time overpower all the love, memories, the time you gave that person. Everything you sacrificed for them, the people, the memories with others you could have had. And the only thing keeping you going is the fact that you hope with everything you have that they are happy, even with someone else. Those breaths you breathe only for them have no purpose, they feed the worthlessness of your being. Because when everything you did with them, everything you could possibly have given that person is ignored in the moment of one day, it makes you feel like nothing.

Your insignificant pain becomes a burden to others, even if it isn't. People break up everyday and they don't seem as broken as you are. It's silly. You suck in air to feed your seemingly starved lungs as you walk past the person they love. You'll move on. You laugh with them, make a few jokes. When their back is turned you practically break your neck, keeping it in the most awkward position just so you look like you're focusing on something else, when in actual fact you're looking at them out of the corner of your eye.

And you try to act like you aren't still hurt, as the fragments of your heart are still held in their palms. They might now know it, but they have you. You surround yourself with other people. You indulge yourself in the things you used to do, but never got a chance to do when you started dating them. You find yourself in old passions, reading, writing, drawing, singing, dancing, running at 7am, which they never knew you did before them. You slowly draw away from the pain, and yes, you slip up a few times on the way. But you catch yourself. And you didn't realise how much you used to love hanging out with a few friends, going to the cinema, getting drunk, doing stupid things.

One of the best parts, the music. Something that drowns out your own thoughts. The songs you listen to with a new outlook on life, you start to relate to songs you never thought you would. The song that gets you through it all is part of your lifeline, along with your friends, the people you call your parents. Your army that has your back through all of this, and the music you play as you march towards the land of getting over that stupid person, is your anthem. You'll never turn back, letting them back in is not an option. I will survive, you will survive.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart

Kept trying hard to mend

The pieces of my broken heart

And I spent oh so many nights

Just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

But now I hold my head up high

And you see me, somebody new

I'm not that chained up little person

Still in love with you

And so you felt like dropping in

And just expect me to be free

But now I'm saving all my loving

For someone who's loving me.

~ Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive.