We know a lot of the people we meet talk to themselves when they're alone. But then there are those people who talk to themselves when everyone's watching. We all think they're either crazy or sociable. There are the people that talk to themselves underneath their breath in public. And then there are the people that talk to themselves while talking to people. Heck, as I'm writing, or typing this, I am saying the words out loud. But even that is hard for me. Even when I am alone. When you have the house to yourself, most people play around, or they sing songs at the top of their lungs because no one is there to judge them. But when I find myself alone in my home, with only my birds and my dogs to keep me company, I don't say a word. I fill myself with this silence that only I can know because I feel in control. When I'm alone, I'm myself. When I talk to people at school or any other place for that matter, I put on a facade that makes people think I like being there. Makes people think that I'm having a great time. But in reality, I'm not at peace. It's more like a war that goes on inside myself. Because I can't think straight when it comes to people. I think the way that I was programmed to think. Politely and generously.
I was taught to call people older than me Mr. or Ms.; I never really thought anything of it. I just knew it was the right thing to do. But now I find myself wondering why I have to respect people older than me. Why I have to listen to the criticism and the hate that I get for my body image. Why whenever I get asked if I like someone people look at me weird when I say I don't. When people ask you these questions and give you their so called "advice", you start to wonder yourself why you're not like them. Why you can't either stop yourself from eating too much or not at all. Why I can't get over the first person I loved because I have a mentality that keeps me from loving anyone else. I've tried so hard to forget these things. So hard that I started to forget the important things. Like eating. Or sleeping. And sometimes I find myself almost gasping for air because it's like I forgot how to breathe somehow. Sometimes it feels like I've given up. Then other times I feel like there's no way I can leave now. I need to grow up. I need to stop thinking about that image in the mirror, and the way people see me. So I can see myself for me. But that hasn't happened yet. Because the path to finding love, for whatever reason it maybe, is long and treacherous. And I've only got one foot out on the path yet. We know a lot of people who talk to themselves when they're alone. But what about the people who live in their own personal silence?
