That's the first word you say to someone right? How do you say it? With confidence right? Not me. Once you say goodbye. The word that means I'm not coming back or sometimes in certain situations I don't want to come back. There is no hello. Just darkness, just a cold empty feeling inside. You try not to cry or break down in front of your loved ones. You try to act all happy and just okay. Which is extremely hard because you feel literal pain in your chest, where your heart should be. You can't feel it beating, no matter how hard you try. It's almost like your dead. You read the messages you've sent over the course of months. You smile remembering all the good times. Then you cry and cry, the tears just don't stop. Your throat turns coarse, dry. You wipe your face and practice smiling in the mirror. 'I can't let them see me like this' Is your thought everyday. As you walk out of the room, you hope they don't notice. You go towards the fridge and get a drink, trying to keep a straight face the whole time. When you can't anymore, you run to your room, and shut the door. You set the drink down and just fall on your bed, not even trying you almost miss the bed. You fall on it and hug the pillow your grandpa gave you before he passed. You look up and ask him why he had to leave you. Everything was perfect until he left, you broke your first promise the one you knew he wouldn't want you to break. You promised yourself and that one person you wouldn't cry, you wouldn't. But the realization you weren't gonna see him until you die youself or ever. You could land in hell as he is sitting on a cloud in heaven. Your eyes don't take a second to break the damns. You think about all the fucking wrongs you've done throughout your life. Those few 13 years. In the beginning you where an Angel. You did everything you where told to do, and did nothing you weren't allowed to. You where the little runt even though you where the middle child. Everyone loved you. But the more you grew the less they had interest. Almost as though when people get an adorable kitten, but when it grows up, they don't want a big old cat. They throw it on the side of the road. That cat is scared and lonely, petrifed of what is to come. It felt safe in the arms of it's family or just when they talked to it. Now it's useless. No one wants it. Even shelters have tried to euthenize it. It wouldn't go. It wanted to live for it's family. Then she started to break down. Starving, walking the streets alone. Then someone comes by. They feed the cat and smile to it everyday. The cat always comes by and purrs to say it's greatful for this person. They take it in. Everything is all fine and dandy until the fucking cat just has to go and claw at the couch. The person throws this cat in a pit far to high to climb. She was eating grubs at first, but then she gave up. Soon deciding she isn't hungery anymore. She sits in her hole and mews hoping someone will hear her calls of help. But she's just trapped there. She regrets her even being born. She's to scared to end her own life, but doesn't want to suffer any longer. She just wants to sleep. No more night terrors, no more people, no more suffering, just sleep. People have told her they love her very much. They've helped her climb out of the hole. They've fed her. But she only eats a little bit of what is given. They tell her she needs to eat more, but refuses. They keep telling her they love her. She tells them she loves them too. But she doesn't want to feel the pain any longer. She rebuilds her walls, but tries to get back to the walls she broke down and caused to be rebuilt. She broke the trust of her best friend. And even though this said person said contact me if you need anything. She doesn't. She feels as though she'd be too clingy. To annoying. People tell her that enough. They tell her she's weird, stupid. When she tries to be a good fucking person. She's been trying lately. She worked for her spot in the honors classes. And she still gets made fun of. She tries to tell herself that everthing will be fine. You'll find someone that will love you and won't break that bond. Maybe she'll get married have kids. Be a vet like she's always dreamed. Or maybe she'll end up in the Navy, fighting in wars, hoping it'll solve her own war that she made with herself. She added the songs the person reccommened to her playlist. And she cries anytime she hears the songs. She doesn't know why she still listens to them. Maybe because she misses those time where they'd get to talk for hours. But she had to go fuck up. And break the promise she never wanted to. She wanted to stay happy not this fucking idiot that writes at 2 in the morning hoping people with help with the problems, but instead she finds silence. She decides to ignore people. She gets night terrors again. And when she goes to stay the night at friends houses, she mumbles , moves and cries in her sleep. She just wants to get one good night of sleep. She believes God will guide her throughout her life, but sometimes she stays off the trail he's leading. Sometimes she'll go to hot places, or places warmer than her home state, and stay in her hoodie. Overheating and not even noticing. She almost passes out, from heat, from just being tired. She doesn't even notice. Doesn't even notice the pain. She doesn't care she's just too tired to try. Too tired to care anymore. This girl is me. The usually peppy, brown haired girl, now weak, sad, and just giving up. Go ahead, say I'm overreacting. I don't care it's how I feel. I just needed to express my feelings through writing. One of my few escapes from reality. Goodnight.
