i didnt mean to. honestly. it was an accident in my head i swear all i could think was "stop" i couldnt control my hand. i gripped the blade so hard i could feel the flimsy metal bending slightly. im sorry im sorry im sorry it was so quick; painless. its all i wanted. to feel. my sister yelled at me. in my head. i remember her reaching for my hand as our drunken father dragged her away from me. separated. i lost my other half the day she was gone. i paved my own twisted path through life, bad decisions, horrible thoughts, insane crimes. but i held up. for her. i see myself walking into my sisters room, tears falling, fists clenched, she lay on floor, her blood splashed in various places around the room. my 11 year old hands began picking her up, telling her it would be fine. police busted in pulling me away as i told her i was sorry, with that they began questioning me, what happened? was it you? did you kill your sister? i was frozen, stuck in time. the only words i could manage out was, im sorry. it hurt when they took me to my uncles home. it hurt when only 2 weeks after i had experienced my sisters death, i was being beaten, raped, put at fault. 11 years old. 14 years old, i ran away, no clothes, no money, no hope. faith, my sister, thats what i did have, along with 3 search teams trying to bring me back to my uncle. i stayed on the run until one day when i bumped into a boy around me age, ski he said. 16 years old, staying in a home by myself. ski visited my every day, told me what happened with him. after 2 years of us, he disappeared, no where to be found. i didnt cry, i couldnt cry, my body, eyes, wouldnt physically let me. so i sat in my tub, filled up to the brim with ice cold water, it was soothing yet, there were dark red swirls slowly making the once soothing feeling disappear. what i thought was a tear rolling down my cheek, was only a drop of blood slowly falling after i had wiped my arm on my face. 20 minutes, half an hour, i got a call from an unknown known number. i answered talking in barely a whisper, listening to the voice on the other end. he knew ski, told me he was ok, on his way home. i whispered to the voice it was too late, that i had gotten too far. he asked me for my address, told me to hold out for only a little longer. i told him the address although i had already knew i probably wouldnt make it till he got here. he hung up afterwards and i set down my phone, i took a deep breathe feeling it would be one of my last. my consciousness was beginning to fade, i could see my sister looking down at me from above. she reached out for me, i was too far. i felt a hand in my hair, it was hers. she had a sad expression on her face as she leaned towards my ear. softly she whispered, "open your eyes" my eyes opened and next to the tub was a guy, maybe my age. he had a look on his face that could make anyone feel sad. his posture straightened out as he noticed my awakening. "look at me." i did as he told me but later looked away, his eyes were ones that i could stare into an eternity, the reason i looked away. he repeated himself but now i was to numb to look again. my heart sped up as i felt his hand gripped onto my jaw, pulling my face towards him. so attractive.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
now i didnt bother try and look away. for hours it felt he was staring into my eyes, reading my soul, changing my feelings, changing my thoughts. his hand still held my jaw as we sat in a comfortable silence. what made me truly feel was when he began to bring my face closer to his. we both leaned in knowing what was to come, what we didnt know is what it would bring later in our lives. the pain, happiness, shock, life, death. we couldnt care less in the moment. when our lips touched i felt a sort of calm i hadnt before, not even with my sister. with every second his soft lips were on mine, my heart was being filled in. it was so surreal. when our lips detached i saw my blood on parts of his face. i reached my hand from the red water to wipe his cheek. my jaw was released from his grip and the feeling of calm faded as he began to stand. he reached onto the counter and grabbed my white folded towel. "stand up." im an extremely self cautious person and hearing that from him, a good looking guy gave me anxiety. he unfolded the towel letting a part of it fall to the ground. he extended his arms out and looked away in an effort to give me more privacy. in a quiet voice i thanked him as i began to stand. i felt weak and used the edge of the tub to steady myself. stepping out i felt the towel wrap around my body. he guided me out of the room and i went to my closet. i held the towel to my body with one hand, using the other to pick out clothes. he sat on my bed staring at the opposite wall as i got dressed. when i finished i wasnt sure of what to do. "come here." sitting next to him i felt an arm wrap securely around my shivering body. its crazy how i didnt know his name yet i could feel from his vibe he knew everything about me. i rested my head between his shoulder and chest area. we again sat in a comfortable silence, him holding my cold body to his warmer one. it felt like i had known him all my life. "tell my about yourself."
