Stiglitz

Hugo Stiglitz, a not-so-Nazi

Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz was the German soldier, forced to partake in the war, who betrayed Nazi Germany by killing several Nazi bitches, and very viciously, I might add.

So, obviously, the Basterds had to recruit him.

Months after being recruited by the Inglourious Basterds, he still didn't talk much. He never did speak much at all. He just thought to himself a lot. Mostly about how great his ass was and how fun it was to kill Nazis.

One night, he was sitting outside, sharpening his knife with his sleeves rolled up and thinking to himself, "Meine Arme sind sehr großartig. Ich frage mich, wie sie so schön aussehen". He sat there thinking about seine Arme while sharpening his knife for a few minutes, until THE BEAR JEW Donny Donowitz came up behind him.

"Hey, Stickdicks," he said in his obnoxious accent. "Fick willst du, Arschloch?" Hugo responded in German, just to annoy Donny, who only spoke English and Italian. "You know I don't speak schnitzel, Arschloch." Stiglitz stopped sharpening his knife and slowly turned to glare at Donny. "But clearly, you must know what Arschloch means," he said in his dead serious voice. He was just making a joke, but Donny wouldn't know that because Hugo sounded so dead inside. Now, Donny didn't want to get stabbed by the psychopathic German, but he was an idiot, so he continued to pester him.

"Sei uno stronzo, Stiglitz," Donny taunted in Italian. "Donny, was bedeutet das? Ich bin mit dieser Scheiße fertig."

"Okay, I'm done with this shit," Donny said. "That's what I just said," Hugo replied. "Really? 'Cause all I heard was 'schnitzel schnitzel kraut-burger'," Donny persisted. Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz had had enough. He didn't really care that Donny was bothering him, but he decided it would be a perfect time to scare him. He stood up from his chair, grabbing Donny by the shoulder and pointing the knife at his neck. "I suggest," he growled, "that you keep your big mouth shut, Arschloch."

Donny gulped and Hugo grinned in response. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!" Lt. Aldo "the Apache" Raine shouted as soon as he stepped outside of their little... Place. Stiglitz quickly turned around (and accidentally sliced Donny's neck a little bit) and dropped the knife on his chair. "STIGLITZ WHAT THE FUCK!" Donny screamed, slapping his hand on his paper cut of a wound. "I'VE JUST BEEN ASSAULTED!" Donny went on.

"It wasn't me," Hugo said blatantly. "YES IT WAS! YOU SAW HIM, ALDO! HE ASSAULTED ME!" Donny shouted. "Must've been someone else," Stiglitz continued. "Well, since Hugo here swears up and down that it wasn't him, I'm gonna have to ask you, Donny. Who else could it have been but yourself? Are you trying to frame my boy Hugo?!" Aldo started to yell, getting closer and closer to Donny. "What the fuck, Aldo? You were RIGHT THERE, you were STARING RIGHT AT US!"

"Oh, I saw everything," Aldo said weirdly. "But Hugo here is a man of his word, so I believe what he says, when he says anything at all. And this time, he says it wasn't him." Donny had an expression of complete "what the hell" on his face. "So tell me, Donny," he started again. "Why did you try to frame my boy Hugo?"

Donny knew there was no hope in arguing with these lunatics, so he sighed and said, "Stiglitz was talking to me in German even though he knows I don't like that."

"Okay, that's it. You guys are both in trouble. Donny, you're in trouble for lying to us and trying to frame Hugo. Hugo, you're in trouble for speaking German again. Now, since Hugo didn't do something that bad, he only has to wear the beret. But Donny? You have to wear the whole outfit."

-THE NEXT DAY-

Hugo Stiglitz was standing outside, wearing nothing but khakis, a white tank top, and a hot pink beret. That was their punishment around here. The color pink. He stood out, staring into the woods, thinking, Warum muss alles so ekelhaft aussehen? when he heard the door to the shack open. He turned to see Donny Donowitz wearing a hot pink beret, knee-length dress, gloves, and heels. He couldn't even walk in the heels right. Hugo laughed. And he laughed. And he kept laughing until Donny smacked him and told him to shut the hell up in Italian, which just made him angry.

-THE END-