On Our Own (gxg)

Chapter 19 - The first hours

"I will go get a first-aid-kit, Luna. We need to clean that cut fastly, your body can not defend against any infection right now. I'll get you some water, too."

"D-don't leave me." Her raspy voice is weak and almost not audible. The sudden panic in her eyes almost kills me.

"I don't leave you. I promise. I am just next door, in the locker room of this dorm. I'll leave the door open. And this dorm is safe, no one will come in. They are all at their training. And for now I won't be missed at the prison cells for another," I look at my holo, 6:45 a.m., "another 2 hours minimum. I will get you a glass of water, too."

I get up again, entering the locker room back first because I don't want to break eye contact for as long as possible. When I finally turn around I literally fly towards Muños' locker. Please! Please don't have it locked, Muños! Please, I beg you! My trembling fingers fumble at the opening mechanism. I breathe out loudly as the metal door wields open. There we go, right on top of the uniforms. I get it out and close the door after me. After picking up a glass of water from the bathroom I finally return to Luna. Her breath has calmed a little and is deeper now, her eyes are closed, but as she hears me approaching the open and these two blue oceans take me in. I smile.

"Okay. Here we go." I open the kit and get all the stuff out that I think might come in handy when cleaning a wound. Then I start unwrapping Luna's upper arm - carefully pulling the fabric off that is bloated with blood. The cut is swollen and looks nasty. It is still bleeding. First thing I do is cleaning it. I put on some antisepticum. There are no animals on the Alatis, but they could not prevent germs from entering those 400 years ago. Now for the most difficult part - sewing the wound. I don't have any anesthesia to numb her pain. "I try to make it short," I tell her imagining the pain she will have to withstand. She just nods, her teth are gritted. For once I wish I had nanobots. My hand is shanking and to be honest it isn't easy to sew the wound while it's still bleeding - but I finally succeed. While I wipe off the new blood and bandage the wound once more - with a sterile fabric this time - my eyes keep flickering up to check on her. And every time they are met by tensed jaw muscles, eyes forming slits, gritted teeth and a reassuring nod to continue. Then it is done. I hear Luna breathing out. I am too shy to look at her more closely, I keep myself busy with packing the kit. As I leave to stow the kit away into Muños' locker again I pass the shelves.  The is an energy bar that I pass over to Luna because she must be so exhausted, then I leave the main room. After having closed the locker door I lean against it, my forehead touching the metal.

What are you doing, Rayen? What the heck is going on? You can't handle the system? You can't handle the ugly truth? Okay. But why do you get yourself THAT struggle? Why? You don't know that girl. You don't know her crime - she is sentenced to death! You don't know her age, her profession, her full name. You don't know anything about her and you act like she deserves all this! You go fucking crazy around her! Why?!

I take some clothes from my locker and enter the bathroom. As I spill cold water in my face my mind calms a little. Fuck it. You have never known anyone to make you act like this, Rayen. What does that mean? I pick up some towels and put them next to the clothes. I rearrange them twice to avoid the inevitable. Then I force myself to return to the main room of the dorm. I stop in the door, my heart racing at the sight of Luna in the bed. I see her swallowing the last bit of the energy bar, the glass of water is almost empty. She blinks and and our eyes meet. I look to the ground immediately, blushing.  Damnit!

"Um... yeah, well. I... I have put out some clothes of mine. I mean, well... I mean, you can't stay with those dirty rags, c-can you? There are towels, too. I thought that m-maybe... umm... you'd probably want t-to take a shower or something. Not that you smell or something, but..." Rayen, get your shit together! You learned how to speak when you were two years old! Are you retarded or what? Stop that stupid stuttering!

"Thank you... that... sounds like a good idea. So... um... I am just going to... I will be right back then, right?" I feel goose bumps climbing up my back as I look at her timid smile again combined with her weak raspy voice. She gets up slowly and I see that she has recovered slightly. While she approaches me - well, I guess she is simply approaching the bathroom door in which I am standing - I scout her in case she might faint again. She doesn't.

After she has entered the bathroom sink into one of the chairs around the table in the dorm. I hear the water being turned on. She is showering right now. I bump my fist against my head. I want that damn thoughts to get lost. I should probably think about how to continue. How to deal with the mess I have gotten myself into. It's 7:13 a.m. now. Still some time left before I need to be back for the guard shift. Still I should not risk anything. Okay, so I guess, I will have to keep Luna inside this dorm - this is the only place I know that for sure isn't being observed. But can I trust the others? What will they say? I also can't keep her inside here forever. The other thing I have to deal with is her chip which is still in her cell right now. The government or the other Specials mustn't wonder where Luna is so they musn't notice her absence. If they locate her chip but find an empty cell we are in trouble. So the best thing to do is to get that chip to the place where they keep all the Goners like cattle and where they normally live and work (despite the ones that are chosen to be fed up to be traded for goods). I have seen the simulation of such a place when they put me into that ArEn that should proof I am worth of becoming a Special Force, the one with the riot and the faceless persons. I can arrange that somehow.

I can't think further because the bathroom door opens and out steps Luna in my oversize shirts I wear for sleeping. Her bare feet seem to just brush over the ground, only slightly touching. Her blonde hair is open now, a little curly since it is wet and damping. Although she used my shampoo I can smell Luna's earthy scent and can't help but smile. I get up and then just awkwardly stand there and blush because there is no certain reason I got up.

"There y-you are," I point out the obvious. My eyes are locked to the ground as if the white floor was the most interesting thing I have ever seen. I practically feel that Luna closes the space between us, slowly and uncertain. I am incapable of moving.

I feel a cold hand at my chin, forcing my head up, forcing my eyes to meet hers. I still can't move, the deep blue oceans her eyes are take me in conpletely. I can't defend myself. My heart pounds like a huge drum, racing faster an faster.

"Thank you. Rayen it is, right? U want to thank you so much. I lack of words to describe how grateful I am. I can't imagine the... hell that is. I mean... practically I guess I am yours now. I... I mean, I owe you my... life. Or at least what is left of it. I owe you obedience. Um... I... I am not sure what to do now, but I will do whatever you want me to."

I melt at her voice, the honesty, the pain, the realization in it.

And I fucking break at her words.

What did they do to make her think that way? I break as she suddenly pulls away her finger that touched my chin. I break as she looks at me, pure panic in her eyes, afraid of any consequences. I am broken. They have almost killed her. They destroyed her. They taught her the worst of things. I assume they abused her to make her afraid.

I am broken.

I haven't shed a tear since my mother died when I was seven. I haven't cried at the abuse of my father, at the pain, the fear. I haven't cried as I saw the ugly truth of the system.

But this blonde, skinny, terryfied girl in front of me - she makes me cry.

Because I care.