Dear Cas,
It's been a year since you died. Every day I wake up, hear the birds sing, look at myself in the mirror, and think... "what could I have done to save you?" Than I walk over to the living room, sitting on my chair, and look over to your spot on the couch, and play our song. Memories come back to me. I put my head down, and cry. I cry for hours. Than when I finally build up enough strength to wipe away my tears, I go grab a cup of coffee. I look down at it and remember that you always told me to slow down when I drink. Everything I do reminds me of you. Today I went to the park. I sat down on the bench, watching as the families laugh and play. I remember that you once told me you wanted to adopt. I should of listened when I had the chance. Cas... I miss you. After all the families left I walked down to the water front. I threw a stone in the water as it skipped three times. That's how many times I let you down. As I was about to jump in, letting myself drown, I looked up at the sky. I felt your presence. Cas? Can you hear me? Are you seeing me writing this right now? Cas... I love you! This is a day in the life without you. And I don't know what to do.
It's been 2 years Cas. A year ago I wrote a little thing yelling you how much I love you. I went back to the water front today. I skipped another stone. It skipped 5 times. That's how many times I said I loved you the day you died. I wish I got to yell you it more. I bought a new car a few days ago. I couldn't stand looking at my old one, thinking of all the times I made you sit in the back. I should of let you call shotgun. I thought about finding a job. But than I remembered that you had big dreams of becoming a doctor and than you never got to. It made me cry and I failed all of my interviews. Cas... I feel you in the room...are you here?
It's been three years Cas! I went to the water front, and threw in a stone. It didn't skip at all. I watched it sink. Was it dyeing like I was on the inside? I was afraid of flying, and you were afraid of falling. I guess opposites attract! I thought of that as I was playing with two magnets today. As I turned one of the magnets around, watching them repel. I remembered how many times I rejected you. I wish I could hold you in my arms and tell you everything is ok. I still remember our first date. We went to the beach. You looked so happy! The sunlight hit your skin as you shined. You looked so beautiful. I wish I could of told you that.
Cas... it's been four years. I'm in the mental. I have gone crazy. I am seeing you everywhere. Give me a sign! If I got to see you one last time, i would tell you I love you. If u got to live, I'd propose. If the marriage went will, we would adopt. And than we would be that family on the playground. Not be the one watching.
Love dean
