As I'm laying in bed i have no words for how i feel. I mostly just feel empty. I feel as if I try, and I feel like I'm getting somewhere and then the world decides to crumple around me. I am laying in bed barely able to keep my eyes open. But at the same time, I'm being kept awake by all my thoughts. My thoughts are what
scare me the most. I overthink. I think of the worst possible cases. I don't expect anything good to come out of life because I've only seen fee instances where good comes out if life. I want to die. I seriously do. I used to never seriously want to die. But it's not until you're laying in bed when you should be sleeping and the only thing reassuring you that you're alive is yor breathing. I dont know where my thoughts take me, how, or why. I feel like I'm always being followed by a dark cloud of depression. It's always there. No. Matter. What. I wish I could seek out help. I really do. I want to feel better. I want to genuinely be happy. I don't want to be kept awake night by night by the same dark feelings. I envy those who are genuinely happy. I don't understand. I don't remember the last time I went a full day without feeling neglected or at least sad at least one part of the day. My tears burn as they roll down my face, and they burn even more knowing that my friends can see them, but don't care to ask about my wellbeing. one person asked. one. because she knows how it feels. she knows the emptiness and how suffocating it is. she knows. nobody else truly understands I guess. because I know if they did, that they wouldnt ignore it and pretend they didnt see my tears. I know they don't try it, but sometimes I just need someone to hug me while I'm crying. I just need to be held. I need to be told that it's okay to be feeling this way. I need to feel normal on some level. I want help. I truly do. But the depression prevents the words from leaving my mouth because of the concern for my family. What will they think of me? Will they believe me? Will they think its silly? I dont know. I dont want to bother my mom since my brother already feels this way. I dont want her feeling like a failure. I dont want her to be disappointed in me. I only seek her approval and love. Not her criticism and disrespect. I want to feek truly loved. I might be truly loved, but I don't feel it. I want someone to want me. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me and stare in awe at the little details about me. Why am I not good enough to have that? What did I do wrong not to deserve that? What am I doing here breathing if I'm only using up air. I dont have anyone. Maybe there's a reason. I dont know. But it hurts.
