Half-truths | Vicerylle Oneshots

5: Tenses

We first made out in this very car while this very song was playing on the background. I wasn’t in love with her yet before that, but everything has changed when I stole one glance at her through the side mirror while we were on our way home after a roadtrip. She was enjoying the view of the night sky and the stars, her eyes shone so bright like they were among them. It was heavenly.

I’ll wait here forever just to, to see you smile, ‘cause it’s true, I am nothing without you.

Was. Now in the past tense.

~

I restlessly rolled on the bed as I wrestled with the persistent thoughts in my head. Hindi ko naman ‘to maaalala kung hindi nila pinaalala sakin. Nakakainis.

“Alam ko na, you lost track of time, you forgot. Kabisado ko na yan, Vice.”

“Pero yun naman talaga yung nangyari, okay? I’m not making excuses. Nagsorry na ko, ano pa bang gusto mong gawin ko?”

“I could forgive you for a million times, Vice. But that doesn’t mean you could do the same mistake over and over again and abuse the privilege.”

“Hindi lang ako nakapunta sa event na yan, nagagalit ka na? Pag ba hindi mo ko nasasamahan nagagalit ba ko? Hindi naman diba?”

“It wasn’t just an event..”

“Utang na loob, Karylle. Paulit-ulit nalang ba tayo? Hindi ba pwedeng pag nagsorry ka, okay na ko, pag nagsorry ako, okay ka na? Bakit ba lahat nang ginagawa ko kulang para sayo? Lahat nalang mali!”

“Ayoko na.”

“Ayoko na.”

“Ayoko na.”

Okay naman ako. I’ve never felt so grand until now. Sarili ko nalang iisipin ko ngayon, wala na akong girlfriend na dapat ihatid o sunduin, wala na akong girlfriend na kailangang pakiligin, iimpress, o kung ano ano pa, wala na akong girlfriend na magdedemand ng oras, ng attention, na para bang sakanya lang umiikot ang mundo ko. Masaya, diba?

Wala na akong girlfriend na nagpapaalala sakin kumain, wala na akong girlfriend na magsasabing wag akong iinom ng marami para makauwi ako ng okay, wala na akong girlfriend na mangungulit kapag nag-oovertime ako, na wag akong magpagod.

Wala na akong girlfriend na nagwoworry. Kasi wala na siya. Wala na siya sakin. Wala na si Karylle sakin. I lost her over my pride. Akala ko okay ako eh. Akala ko masaya ko pag wala siya. Pero hindi eh. She was the reason why I’m okay, she was the reason why I’m happy. Everything is still about her, after all.

How do I fill in this hole in my heart now?

She was pain, but she was also my pleasure. She was rain, but she was my sunshine. She was my despair, but she was also my hope. She is still, and will always be, my greatest paradox.

I want you back. I need you back.

Now. Still in the present tense.

~

“Ayoko na.” as soon as those words slipped out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back.

Oo, ayoko na, pero mahal ko parin siya. That’s what keeps me holding onto this relationship, anyway. I don’t want to let go, though he has given me a million and one reasons to do so.

I’m sure my friends would hit me so hard in the head if I told them this drama. sasabihin na naman ng mga yun, hindi pa ako natatauhan.

“Then go.”

Nabingi ba ako? I was about to ask him to repeat what he has just said when he spoke again, as if those two words were not enough to break my heart into the littlest pieces possible it could turn to.

“Kung napapagod ka na, pagod narin ako. Ayoko narin. Matagal naman na kitang sinukuan eh—”

And that’s it. All this time, I was fighting this war alone. Ako nalang pala ang nagpipilit sa sarili ko sakanya, kasi matagal na pala niya kong inayawan.

5 years... hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung sa pang-ilang taon na ba niya ako sinimulang sukuan. Nung 2nd year ba when we broke up for the second time? Nung 4th year ba when I’ve exhausted all means just to have him talk to me again and take him back when we broke up because of a misunderstanding?

I walked out of his door, and of his life, but all I’ve wanted to shout was please don’t let me. But I did nothing, and he did nothing. He should’ve asked me to stay, he should’ve ran up to me and hugged me tight. He should’ve told me he couldn’t bear the idea of not having me in his world. Because that’s what I could’ve done if I were in his position and he’s in mine. Because that’s what I felt when I lost him that night.

Maybe it was too much when I expected him to be with me that night. Maybe it was too much to ask him to be with me as I opened my own restaurant, the fruit of my labor.

I spent my nights debating with myself if I should call you or not. One beep of my phone makes me go frantic, one new message on my mail or facebook makes my heart pound so hard. But it was never you. Of course, why would you talk to me? You’ve given up on me for a long time. Sino bang niloloko ko? It will never be you.

I wanted you back. I needed you back.

But it is now in the past tense.