I decided to make this because I have no outlet. I can't go to my best friend, or my older sister. Why can't I? Well because my older sister wouldn't understand.. My best friend is now ditching me for yet another guy. I'm slowly losing her. But I am slowly losing myself. I will be 16 in 2 weeks... But what does that matter? I don't matter.
Everyone says "Everyone's leaving me, no one loves me." and I have always been here, and always will be. I tell them. I'm here for you. Tell me anything. I'll never you leave you. I'm not gonna leave you. Then people go off and leave me like I'm just a toy on their shelf... And I am just so self-conscience that I can't bring myself to tell them that I've always been here. So I decided to just let it happen.. To get left. To get hurt. To get walked all over. Cause I honestly feel that way anyways.
Even if they make me feel self-conscience, or like I'm being left, it's not like it's the first. My mother practically left me. She never wanted me. The only reason she would ever fucking want me is for her own benefit. Maybe for me to take care of and raise my little siblings. That's what I did when I lived with her. She would constantly put me down. "You're ugly, fat, worthless, you stupid whore. Go die." Thank you mother, you make me feel so loved. I can't blame you. I am all of those things.. Except I am not a worth.. Never will be and never have been. But besides that. I some how feel like I have betrayed you mother. Like I've picked a side yet again. I am sorry. I am sorry that I am such a piece of shit. I am sorry that I couldn't't be a good daughter. I am sorry that I couldn't;t be the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry.
So, I am crying right now. Why? Because I am stupid. Because I just. Because I did this to myself. I am just worthless. Everyday, I sit and enclose myself from my problems for the others. My friends can't know. Nope. That would make me an attention whore. Last time I did that, my friends decided to talk behind my back and then leave me at the end of 8th grade. thank you. I really though you guys were my best friends that I could trust. The friends that I've been waiting for. The friends that I thought actually liked me. No. I am annoying, and self-centered. I am sorry. That is why I don't tell people why I cry at night, or why I lie awake at night and can't sleep because I'm asking myself why I was and am not good enough. What I can change about myself. It is because if I do, then people find me throwing my problems on them.. So I don't. I just sit back and let them vent to me. I let them tell me their problems and give them advice. No I am not aloud to judge. If I do, I am scared they'd leave me and Id be friendless again.
About my father. He's a piece of work. Ever since I was little I practically worshiped the fucking man. He was never around. EVER! NOT ONCE! He was in a frigging prison cell for most of my life. He got out recently and I tried contacting him, hoping he loved me and he would save me from my mother's wretched ways. Nope. I called him, and he answered. We had a decent conversation and then that was that. He never called me again. He promised he would. He never did once. He just dropped me, like my mother, and friends. That's why I can't trust anyone anymore. I can't sit and actually tell someone what's wrong with me. If I do I'll feel even worst afterwards. So after that he told my grandmother (His mom) that I told him to fuck off and never answered his calls. I never said that ever. I waited by the fucking phone for maybe an hour or two everyday... Waiting... He never called once. It killed me. But I always thought he could possibly maybe love someone like me. Sooner or later I tried acting tough, like it didn't bother me. I closed myself off. I showed no emotion. Still don't.
I just wish someone, I wish someone thought I was important. I wish someone would care if I died. I wish someone would care if this was my goodbye letter. But no. No one cares for the girl who is no one. Cause being no one is bad, means you're nothing.. As my mother would say. I just wish someone would say, "Hey, I hope you smile today. I hope you have the best day ever. You're beautiful and you mean the world to me. Chin up. Remember I love you." Just once. But what am I kidding myself. That's never gonna happen.
Sorry about my stupid venting.. It's relentless. I hope you have a great night. :) Smile. ~Trisha
