For I was your future, since the beginning.
I have always loved you, since the beginning. You have always been there for me, since the start of it all, even when you were silent I know I was not alone with you by her side, even if sometimes it didn’t feel like it. You are the reason why I am still fighting and hasn't given up since.
It has been hard keeping such a big secret from you however, I never knew how to tell you, I felt like you wouldn’t care or you would leave and give up. However I can no longer fight this battle, I am already losing. I have decided to finally tell you the truth, and not keep it hidden from you anymore, how you never noticed is above me.
The truth is I am suffering, suffering more than you know, the more I stress the more I lose my hair. So the truth will finally come out, I’m dying, physically and emotionally dying. It started in 6th grade, I passed out while dancing at the halloween dance.
I woke up in the hospital with my adoptive parents crying on each others shoulders, trying to calm their tears. I stared at them, confused and curious about what they were crying about. They looked over at me, and wiped their tears and tried smiling but couldn’t force one.
I got told news that I dreamed I would never hear, the words in nightmares that don’t really happen in reality. I got told I had cancer, news that I never expected to come from my parents yet it did.
That night I got test done on me to find out how bad it is I came to find out it was only a stage one so I was expected to live until graduation. I lived like every other kid came home, did homework, hung out with friends, went back home took my meds, and went to sleep.
I repeated it every morning until I met you. I lived a little more, I styled my hair, learned how to put on makeup and wear it. You were the new kid at school, the cool kid, the one everyone wanted to be and hangout with, you ignored me that whole year.
7th grade came and it was the same except you actually started talking to me, and smiled at me. 8th grade we became really close, you would always come over, or I would go to your house, or hangout somewhere.
During the end of the 8th grade year my cancer got bumped up to a stage 2 cancer, where I had been throwing up everyday or maybe week. I started getting weaker yet somehow I acted strong in front of you, I couldn’t tell you that I was weak and that I was dying, I kept it to myself.
The beginning of 9th grade year, there was rumors going around about you and I dating and you decided to act on it by punching a kid in the face, because they were laughing at me.
I started to get depressed and decided to give up, you cried for me. I no longer felt the pain, you cared and I didn’t you told my parents I was cutting, and I hated you for that, even though I needed you to do it.
10th grade we mended back and you finally asked me out on a date. You grabbed my hand when I was sitting across from you at a restaurant and rubbed my scars, and started to tear up. You told me you loved me, and kissed my scars, while saying all scars heal even the deepest ones.
I fell more in love with you at that moment than ever before. I grabbed you and kissed you. We started dating August 22nd, 2015. A year ago, and not once did I tell you about my cancer, how many times I have tried but It never seem to come out, or up.
How many times I missed school, because I was feeling sick or tired. You always told me to get better, and you would always say you loved me. I never got better, in fact I got worst. This summer on our 1 year anniversary I fainted, while we were at a party, about to go to a restaurant.
I saw you look at me, I was out of my body, but got pulled back in. You drove me to the hospital calling my parents, telling them to get to the hospital.
We arrived and you had to wait in the waiting room, finally my parents told you to go home and would call you when I woke up. It took me 5 minutes after you left, to wake up, I looked around tears rolling down my cheeks screaming he didn’t find out did he?!
And you didn’t, they didn’t tell you, nobody did. I was back to my normal self that night, you called and I told you a lie about I didn’t have enough to eat. You bought it and laughed saying I am glad you are okay.
I was never okay, they told me I had gotten moved up to stage 4 cancer, it hopped straight over stage 3, they don’t expect me to live until graduation anymore, they said 4 months. Nothing is working, not the treatment, nothing is working.
They are giving me a higher dose of medicine, they are hoping it will do the trick but there is one thing wrong about it. I will lose my hair, and I don’t want that to happen.
I didn’t want you to find out like this. I can’t cry anymore, I am empty, even if I don’t want to lose you, you will lose me.
My tears faded long ago, I knew it was to good to be true, finding out I got moved up to stage 4 I gave up, I stopped dressing nicely and you started noticing my changes.
You even pointed out that I look tired, and held me while I did nothing. I stared at the darkness behind you waiting for me to go with it. The days flew by we stopped expressing love, and I kept dying, finally it was 4 months later.
Today is the day I am gonna die I told myself that everyday of that month. Nothing happened, my hair slowly fell out but you never noticed. Finally one day you arrived unannounced at my house, you saw me.
In my bathroom puking my guts out. I said I’ll tell you soon, you didn’t believe me you yelled at me, you cried because of me, swearing you were going to lose me. I cried and cried not wanting to speak, you started at me, hands were trembling.
You ran towards me, and hugged me. We sat on my bathroom floor hugging and crying, letting our emotions out. You kept asking me to tell you, what was wrong I said you will find out soon.
You accepted my answer and carried me back to my bed. I fell asleep on you not wanting to move you stayed with me. We fell back into our love, and never gave up.
Until it happened, I got the call that I was going to die, they saw signs of rapid growth in my cancer, and that it was leading up to my brain.
I stopped not caring and I started to care, I dressed nice again, put on makeup. I lived life to the fullest, you were my first and will be my last.
Dying this early was never part of my plans, I wanted to live until I was old and had kids, it didn’t turn out like that.
I died at 17 I just wanted to graduate, I didn’t get that far. I had the rest of junior year left, then all of senior year. I had 4 months left until the end of junior year, and I didn’t make it.
The day I died was the day you found out, you never stopped crying, I caused you pain. You started to harm yourself, cursing that it was your fault and questioning how you never noticed.
Then the funeral came and you didn’t go, because at that moment you were dead too. Lifeless in your bathroom with an empty pill bottle, and blood running along your forearm.
You gave up, because without me you saw no will to live, your future had died long ago as for I was your future.
---Katelyn Spint
