Start Again

Homesick

"California ain't too bad" Aubrey, the girl who always did my hair and makeup on photo shoots, said as she began touching up my makeup. "You don't understand. Everything bad that has ever happened to me, happened in California" I said and sighed.

"Can't it just be a coincidence?" Her high pitched voice asked. I sighed in response. "Ya gonna have ta face ya past sometime" Aubrey truthfully said. She was right, it was just a coincidence, or that's what I would keep telling myself.

The house that Billy bought for us to live in was "a small home" that overlooked Los Angeles. I had the perfect view of the place I hated the most. The so-called "small home" was twice as big as every place I ever lived in combined. There was a beautiful kitchen, a large master bedroom with an enormous bathroom, three spare bedrooms, a big living room, and a large pool that I could drown myself in when I got tired of being in horrible Los Angeles.

After two months of being back in California and Billy constantly telling me that it wasn't as bad as I made it seem, I was finally starting to believe that living in California again wasn't so bad. I was starting to like everything I had hated about being here. Everyday I would take my morning cup of coffee outside with me and enjoy the view of Los Angeles. On some days the smog that surrounded the city would clear to reveal the tall buildings.

The only thing that bothered me was being homesick. I missed England and everything and everyone we left behind. I missed having Steve around to constantly bother. I missed Paul, and Siouxsie, and Simon, and even Johnny at times. I was physically getting sick from being away from England. Every day I would wake up feeling like I had eaten a rock the night before. I would run straight for the bathroom and get sick. I was getting used to it being my new normal. But after Billy firsthand witnessing it he was starting to get worried.

"Blair" Billy said as I sat back down in bed. "Billy" I replied. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his messy peroxide blond hair.

"Something on your mind?" I asked as I placed my hand on the back of his neck. Billy grabbed my hand and kissed the top of it. His crystal blue eyes locked with mine as he struggled to begin talking. I squeezed his hand and nodded.

"If you have something to say, then say it Billy" I said. He nodded back at me before he began to reply. "Are you sure that...." Billy paused as he pointed towards the bathroom. "That is just from being homesick?" He asked. I nodded and smiled.

"Of course, what else what it be?" I asked. "You could be....pregnant?" Billy suggested. I laughed, then gulped when I saw that Billy wasn't laughing along with me. He was serious and I was scared. I quickly shook my head.

"No. No, I can't be. That's just not what it is. I'm homesick not pregnant" I quickly said in a panic. "Blair" Billy said as he squeezed my hand. "No!" I yelled and pulled my hand from his grip. I moved quicker than I ever had before, I threw on clothes and shoes before running out the door. I didn't even know where I was going. I just had to get away from Billy and all the talk of pregnancy. It turned out that Billy knew me better than I knew myself. But a baby? Was I ready to bring another life into this world? Were we ready?

"Blair!" Billy yelled as he burst through the door. "I'm in here!" I yelled to Billy from one of the spare bedrooms that we had turned into our music room for all my records. Billy came into the room out of breath.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about this baby" Billy said. "So have I" I said cutting him off. "Let me speak first though. I want you to hear this" He said still trying to catch his breath. I took that as my chance to speak.

"Billy, I want to keep the baby" I quickly said before Billy had a chance to get his words out. "A baby is a miracle. Some couples try for years to have a baby and now we have one without even try....you want to keep the baby?" Billy asked practically yelling at me once my words settled in. I nodded before Billy rushed over to the spot that I was kneeling down on the floor. He quickly wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up. Billy spun me in the air as he repeatedly told me how wonderful this baby would be.

"Billy please put me down. You're making me sick" I begged as I clutched onto him. He apologized and sat me down on the leather couch that rested against the back wall.

"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Billy asked as he sat down next to me. I rested my head on his shoulder. "Yeah" I quietly replied. No I wasn't really sure, but I didn't want to tell Billy that. Part of me wanted to keep the baby, but the other part of me was scared that I would have the same relationship with this child as I did with my parents.

"What about you though? Won't a child ruin your sex symbol, rock star image?" I asked as Billy cupped my cheek with his hand. He kissed my head before resting his head on mine.

"I don't care" Billy replied. That was a lie. Billy's image was everything to him. He like to be portrayed as the typical rock star. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, the whole bit. My future with Billy was questionable at times. I was his girlfriend and now we would have a child together, but I was afraid that it was nothing more than that. A girlfriend could easily be tossed to the curb when a more attractive woman came along. To some people a child meant nothing between them. I love Billy and Billy says he loves me, but of course I doubted him. Any woman in their right mind would doubt Billy's commitment to them.