If Only...

Chapter 9 part2

"Mr. Sergio I am so sorry-" I started to say, but he stopped.

"Save it. Finnish your shift and then see me in my office. We have things to discuss." He said flatly as we walked past me. That's when I knew my job there was coming to an end.

Three hours later, at the end of my shift, but assumptions were proved correct and he told me that the scene had hurt business and that he couldn't afford to lose so many customers. He was sorry it had to end that way, but I told him I understood. If I were in his position, I would've too.

I miss working for him and his wife. They were such a sweet couple and they were very good to me. I just wish sometimes I was a different person, that my life had worked out differently.

I got another job. This time I was washing dishes at another restaurant. At least I didn't have to interact with people, well just my coworkers sometimes. Most of them felt they were too good to talk to me, forgetting at one point in time or another they were in my same position. It didn't really matter to me. I didn't have a whole lot to say to those that did talk to me. I didn't mind. It was a back breaking, low income job, but it was better than nothing. I was living of Ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese. I didn't mind that either. All in all life wasn't so bad.

Today was another session with Taylor. I had told him of the job switch, but I lied about the reasons. I just told him that I needed a change. He nodded and wrote something in his journal. It took everything that I has in me to not ask what was written in that journal.

It started to rain as I exited my car and walked into Taylor's office. Mary greeted me and told me to take a seat in the waiting room. Taylor was on the phone and would be finished in a minute. Ten minutes passed before I was allowed access into Taylor's personal office.

When I walked in he seemed to be trying to calm himself. By the look on his face he was failing miserably.

"Rough day?" I asked softly. He looked at me and half smiled.

"Something like that." He said before gracefully getting up from his desk to sit in the area set up for his patients.

"So how have you been?" He asked.

"I'm fine. Adjusting to my new job and all. Other than that it's been pretty boring." I said nonchalantly, hoping he believed me.

"That's nice." He said with a smile, the anger seeming to leave his features slowly.

"Yeah I know, my life isn't really something you could write a book on and enjoy reading. It would get very repetitive at points." I babbled, hoping he wouldn't say anything. He just sat there and waited for me to continue and when I didn't, I waited for him to respond to my statement, which he didn't. I looked up to see him studying me.

"What?" I asked annoyed, breaking the silence.

"How are you really? You are hiding something, I can tell. If you don't want to talk that's fine. I just know you're closing yourself and I want to know why." My initial reaction was to be angry, but I knew that wouldn't help the situation. Part of me wanted to tell him, but the biggest part of me wanted to keep my big mouth shut.

"It has just been a stressful time of change. I miss my other job, not that my current one is bad, the people at my other job were nice and the pay was better." Half truth, I could deal with that.

"So why did you leave?" He asked.

"I had no choice."

"So you were fired." He said bluntly and I nodded.

"May I ask why?"

"Something or someone from my past came back to haunt me. Happens every time." I said, trying to pretend that I didn't care.

"What happened?"

"Wife of one of the men I had... Um... Well,-" I was trying to find a way to nicely put what had happened.

"One of the men that had come to you?" He asked me. That was a good way to put it I think.

"Yeah, well anyway on of the wives, well ex-wives now... Well she recognized me and made a very large scene. The owner came and defended me and she asked if I was sleeping with him for my job. He was so upset, and it was in front of the entire restaurant. The owner said I was bad for business. His reputation was also in the trash, so I left quietly. He helped me get my current job and there ya go it's my story." I said in a huff. It felt good to tell someone, but I didn't want to analyze it which was exactly what we were about to do.

"How did that affect you? The accusations?" He asked softly. He knew he had to tread lightly.

"How do you think it made me feel, you're a smart person." I said sarcastically.

"I think it made you venerable. It hurt you. You feel like dirt, cheap and used."

"Well how else am I supposed to feel?"

I retorted.

"Loved" He said quietly.

"Loved? I think you are spending too much time with your patients because that is the biggest batch of bologna I have ever heard!" I was loved? Who in the world loved me.

"Well when you are hurting is when God can show His love and power the most." He said.

"Ya know, Taylor, I'm at a point where I think God is done with me. He is sending His children to condemn me. Maybe it's just foreshadowing to the future." The words were full of spite and I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't take back what I had said.

"Then what about me? I don't condemn you, and I like to consider myself a child of God." He answered after awhile.

"You are rare. Maybe you represent the good in me trying to break through and they represent the bad. Since there is more of them I think that they win." I said, my eyes forming with tears. It was true, even though the idea was just coming to me. I was done with this session and I got up and headed for the door, but not before hearing speak to himself.

"Well my dear that is where you are very wrong." I stopped dead in my tracks.

"What did you say?"

"You're wrong about that, but hey I thought you were storming out of here?"

"You are not getting rid of me so fast, what does that mean? Why am I wrong?" I demanded crossing my arms over my chest.

"God is waiting with open arms for you, once you run to Him, it doesn't matter what happened in the past. You are made new. Your sins are gone, not only forgiven, but forgotten. And then you and God take a walk. He will carry you at times and at times He will just hold your hand, but He's still there. There are more evil people in the world than there are God, there's only one of Him. Your principle therefore is that sin has won but that's not true. God wins every time." We were both standing now. He was trying to convince me but he didn't know what I had done. If he did he wouldn't look at me the same. He would run.

"It's not that simple." I said as I walked out the door. He mutter something that sounded like God give me strength, but I was done arguing. All I wanted bow was a bubble bath and the oblivion of sleep.